Having a third baby at 42

Each month my period taunts me with the notion that I might — just — be able to have a baby.
Some nights I didn’t sleep at all and when I think back to the stupefying exhaustion of those early days I should be put off. Plenty of people have three children in far smaller homes than ours, and anyway, my desire to have a third baby is not diminished by such practical arguments.
She had merely informed me, crisply yet patiently, that at 45 my chance of having a baby was minuscule.‘You just have to face it. Ridiculous though it seems, I still crave another baby.When Billy came along in 2009, I felt I’d — almost — cracked the art of motherhood.

As I arrived home from work mid-morning, sweeping Darcey into my arms for her breast-feed, Derek would rush out of the door wiping baby sick off his lapel.My brain was addled with tiredness. He adores our two children, but for reasons he would describe as 'logical' does not want another baby. As I came out of hospital cradling him in my arms, I remember seeing a mum-to-be going into her ante-natal class, and feeling, in that instant, a surge of envy.Already I was thinking about having another child. But having watched my friend TV presenter Clare Nasir go through it, I know how tough the journey is. I believe there is an army of middle-aged women who will have wept quietly and irrationally for a baby they will never have.Even now, though the weight of medical evidence is stacked against me, I hold a slender hope that I will defy the odds and become pregnant again.

For this reason I refuse to give away the bags of baby clothes that clog my parents’ attic.

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