Yes, treat people the way you want to be treated, as the golden rule states… but settle for nothing less than that treatment in return. Regardless, for everyone to feel supported, taken care of and happy, there needs to be an equal exchange. You deserve time off, a massage, to say no to something you don’t want to do and a night of nothing in front of the TV. This is your life and your well of energy, choose wisely who you support and how much you give. Watch for the red flags… do you listen intently and give them your undivided attention for every upset in their lives, but they can’t seem to do the same for you? Do they expect you to drop everything and come to their side (physically or metaphorically), yet are “too busy” or self consumed to come to yours? You deserve so much better, and I promise you, there are people out there who are more than ready and willing to show you. Take an honest look at the relationships in your life… where are you giving too much of yourself? Get my three simple exercises to uncover your passion so you can start building a life and business you love! Since starting this program I am on my way to obtaining my bachelors degree, I have reinvested in my own business, and started really focusing on my fitness.
When it comes to improving how we feel and are treated, there can be a tendency to prioritise getting others to feel about and treat us in that way before we will do it for ourselves. It is the simple matter of acting and treating ourselves in the way that we want others to.
The question you need to be asking is, why aren’t you regarding and treating you in the way that you want others to? When you treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, there’s little, if any incentive to hang around somebody who treats you less than what you already do. Withholding and in fact starving you of these things means that anyone can come along with crumbs. I do know and have known for a long time that anything that you expect of others in your interpersonal relationships are things that you should expect and deliver yourself.
I still have the same family, pretty much all of the same friends and I still am living in the same skin with the same mind in there but how I have learned to feel about and treat me has changed. I’ve liked and admired people in the past for stuff that in retrospect seems pretty damn ridiculous and yet I used to find it hard to like me.
How can we call ourselves loving, generous, compassionate, empathetic, the best that someone could ever meet and yet barely direct crumbs of this stuff to ourselves? A friend of mine and BR reader is going through chemotherapy at the moment and she had a huge row with her mother who keeps going on about how she needs to take care of herself, do this, do that, while at the same time sometimes saying things that are incredibly hurtful. Mean it by not allowing others to say contrary opinions at your person without them taking 100% responsibility for it as you take your 100% responsibility for allowing them the pleasure of your ear, face, time.
But I still have a very long way to go in regards to loving, trusting, and validating myself.
Interestingly enough, it is precisely people who like to dump their trash on us, who will demand and impose that we jump through hoops simply because they say so.
I so agree with that Lori, It’s so so hurtful when being nice just gets you re-payed back with hurt & malice ???,we just have to deal with it I know, but I do think sometimes why ?
It wasn?t easy, you get used to certain ways of relating and it is very difficult to get out of the status quo. I tell myself that I am a good person, that I have value, that I’m smarter than average, very attractive for my age, can mix in with any group of people and be able to converse and laugh with the best of them. I think self-talk is very important, but at some point, it can become nothing more than naval gazing. Ironically, when we get the focus off of ourselves and start giving to others (not over-giving mind you!) we start feeling better about ourselves. The self-talk then becomes rooted in something concrete: I helped a child with their homework today, I counseled someone at a battered women’s shelter, I served lunch at the soup kitchen, I smiled at a stranger, etc. For the past 6 years or so, I have been dealing with a female friend who consistently mistreats me. Your experience and description of this is very interesting to me but I can’t really offer any advice as such.

Whether you believe in Karma or not it is always good to treat others like you would like to be treated.
These Karma quotes can help inspire you to observe how you treat other people and whether you are putting off a good vibration into the universe or putting off a bad vibration into it. In my opinion, taking the high road will always benefit you in the long term, and it will help you to feel better about yourself and about the person you have become. Sometimes an equal exchange is simply the thanks, gratitude and recognition from a friend for the support you gave her. Always take care of you FIRST, never expect that anyone will do the same unless you set that standard for yourself. Do you really want to surround yourself with people who can’t think about you, for even one second, when there’s something happening with them (and believe me, there will always be something happening with them)?
Do you try to ask for support or vent your frustrations, only to have them turn the conversation towards themselves? Make space for them to come into your life by releasing those that aren’t serving you. You’ll dive on them and feel excited by the feast but by overvaluing them in the first place, they come out of the exaggeration oven as a loaf. Anything less is inauthentic and while we can insist that we are these things, it’s our actions that tell the true story.
You cannot expect someone to treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, if in the process of trying to gain this from them, you are actually denying yourself these things. The next time you invest in someone else, you will choose better because otherwise you’ll be robbing yourself. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.
Being as good a person as you can be in an imperfect world (without forgetting yourself) makes living in that world a bunch easier! I guess, the solution is to reinforce one’s boundaries to keep the choppers at bay, without this the job is only half-way done and the loaf half-way baked.
Use your answering machine, caller-ID and do not feel the responsibility to pick up the phone when he calls. Next time he mentions his vegetables tell him you do not want to be responsible for his vegetables any more.
If my grandfather should reach out again (which is unlikely, as I’m always the one to contact my grandparents) I will certainly not agree to be his delivery girl, etc. Sounds like there are bullies in your family and by doing their bidding you are enabling them:( Hugs! It isn’t confusing when people treat you with disrespect or attempt to knock you down. I actually went on to try to prove my kindness and at the end I was just a disposable doormat. I didn?t necesarily tell them I didn?t want to see them anymore, but I just decided they weren?t positive for me and told myself I wouldn?t consider them my friends anymore. Or I?m deepening friendships with people who were mere acquiantences and whom I didn?t find interesting enough in the past.
So, if you want to feel hurt, that is your due– but why waste your time owning someone else’s grief?
The disconnect is that I don’t really deep down inside believe this and feel it in every fiber of my being.
If you aren’t already involved in some sort of volunteer work, I would HIGHLY recommend it. She will wait days before responding to my emails, has ignored my emails and even stopped talking to me for months when I told her I’d be leaving a show we were at during intermission because I was feeling ill and exhausted. I think that this way of relating (contact is just about making plans to do things) simply means that there is nothing more there for them to give to or need from the friendship. And if you just continue to be that super awesome friend to them, you’ll end up feeling resentful, taken for granted and exhausted.
Sometimes it’s about receiving the same unconditional support and attentive ear from your significant other that you give to him.
Until we find ourselves totally broken down and overwhelmed… and with no one there to pick up the pieces.

Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you. He had given me some home-grown vegetables a couple days before and told me to give what I didn’t eat to my parents. I tried explaining that I was trying to arrange a time and place that would be safe and respect the boundaries that I have with my parents. I certainly didn’t deserve to be yelled at and hung up on…over VEGETABLES for goodness sake. Their life’s work (to get themselves right), is not for us to do, but rather for them. It helps to know that those people have their own issues to deal with, but why should that stop you from being lovely? Sometimes it’s about the other party reciprocating the time and talent you gave in a barter situation. Once you’re clear, pick one relationship to further nurture (one that lifts YOU up in return) and one relationship to step away from (one that drains you). I had called my dad’s office that day to arrange a time when I could deliver them (at his office, because I have been burned too many times when I go to my parents house alone.) But he wasn’t in. I was finally able to let go of a pile of guilt leftover from past relationships, so I had all this righteous anger I hadn’t allowed myself to feel before. So if we cannot do their work for them, why should we take on their trash that they heap on us? Immaturity, disrespect, controlling, manipulative, and bully behavior can come from a child of ANY AGE. I wonder if I somehow, inadvertently broadcast my insecurity and they can pick it up instantly. The problem is, although I do treat myself with great respect in general, I continue to accept her b.s. BUT, don’t continue to give to someone who simply takes, takes, takes and expects more. And being reduced to tears with someone shouting down a phone at you over their own vegetable problem is just not on.
I just feel that is my way of standing up for me and showing in actions rather than in words that I won’t put up with that sort of mistreatment. Then after telling me that having problems with other women being demanding with him for phone calls as the reason for not calling me – I really told him where I stand. I was sobbing hysterically, loaded up the veggies, and dropped them off on my parents’ porch. I guess it’s about inwardly focussing on the type of person you want to be, and never letting anyone else distract you from that purpose. So, another option which would have got your message across to him, would have been to deliver the vegetables he wanted your parents to have right back to your grandfather and tell him to deal with it himself if it’s that urgent for him. I do know one thing, I will continue reading BR, seeing my psychologist who is really helping me to look at myself with clear, open eyes and read whatever I come across about improving self esteem. You are not a friend as non users understand it, you know all that empathy, support, loyalty and care stuff. So I believe you can take your limited viewpoints and watch the sun with those elsewhere…. If he does call, I will take your advice Ella and let him know that I will talk to him as long as he communicates in a respectful way.
I remain friends with her because we share certain interests and she, like myself, is single at an age where most others we know are married. Instead of calling him up and telling him that I don’t deserve to be treated like that; I’ve decided to not worry about the situation and make it all about me. Likely he feels out of control in his own life and must try to reassert control by controlling others. Normally I would spend weeks agonizing over the fact that *I* had upset someone and feel incredibly guilty about it.

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