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27.03.2014 admin
From their perch in Sharkatraz atop the tallest apartment building in Astoria, Max Robinson and Mike Pfeiffer are The Trash Boys. Mike: After a crazy year like this (2013) maybe we should just have a nice intimate holiday feast with all the trimmings. Gene: YOU BOYS PUT SOME KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE WHEN YOU’D STUMBLE HOME FULL OF COLD GIN AND BUY A TRASH BAG FULL OF GYRO MEAT, BUT WITHOUT YOU QUEENS HAS JUST BECOME UPSTAIRS BROOKLYN. Max: The Holiday Pie is like something the food replicator on Star Trek would make if you poured battery acid on the control panel. Max: It’s a flat tube of pie in a kicky cardboard sleeve, you could eat this mid-jog or even during a important business meeting to command respect. Mike: Having this with Max (My Kin from another garbage Bin) did feel like a cut storyline from Love Actually where Michael Sheen and Simon Pegg try to be roommates in a dumpster, so I guess it’s a choir of four rats out of a possible five mewling angelic rats from me.
In The Trashford Files, they investigate and review foods that are normally best eaten alone drunk in the dark after a breakup.

YOU TWO SERVE A PURPOSE AND I’VE BEEN SENT HERE BY THE MAN UPSTAIRS *points hideous tongue toward heaven* TO SHOW YOU A WORLD WHERE YOU DON’T EXIST. WITHOUT YOUR ENDLESS APPETITE FOR ARTIFICIAL GARBAGE, MCDONALD’S IN ALL FIVE BOROUGHS STOPPED SERVING FAST FOOD ALL TOGETHER. Went to prison after the rat poison they used to flavor the ground beef killed all those kids! I mean the food that you eat when you’re in the freegan caves of Real Life, not the delicious steaks that traitors get to have. But in a purchase-practicality sense you have to consider that you can get two apple pies for a dollar. We ate a donut sandwich in our inaugural column, nearly died at the hands of McDonald’s fries and mourned as beloved TV fixture Bryant The Dog died on TV’s Family Guys.

We’re at the McDonald’s with the cute burger clerk who gives us free nuggets when I leave my fly unzipped- NO! WITHOUT THE TOXIC MASCULINITY OF THE TRASH BOYS, GENDER AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE ARE RESPECTED AS A SPECTRUM AND NOT A BINARY. It’s hot crust slashed with ventilation crevices to prevent the neutral custard inside from injuring you like its vindictive sibling the Hot Pocket. This fucked up crusted hot Gogurt debacle costs you one dollar a piece no matter what, and am I made of money? We don’t even have a podcast or a tumblr or a scathing thinkpiece about us on a Gawker site.

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