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Those of you not deeply indoctrinated into the Roman Catholic faith (and by “deeply indoctrinated” I mean you studied for the priesthood, or at least took graduate- level theology courses) probably know little about “succubi.” Even many devout Catholics are unaware of these demons, as the Summa Theologica is not studied in catechism classes for the laity. The Summa Theologica is a book written by Saint Thomas Aquinas from 1265 to 1274 that is still considered by the Catholic magisterium the most important compendium of theological teachings of the one and only true Church.
One of the areas Saint Thomas gave a considerable amount of theological thought to in this work was the question of why a good Christian man would have wet dreams. Carlton Mellick III, in I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter, takes one of his trademark hapless 20-something male slacker heroes (in this case a dude who spends all his waking hours playing with Legos) and lands him in the middle of this Thomas Aquinas-inspired nightmare. When Jonathan insists that he never had sex with her, she explains to him that she’s a succubus, and that she had a one-nighter with him in a dream, while he slept (the black penis mystery solved!). Before you know it, he’s having dinner in Hell with his new fiancee’s gracious family, who are prepared to welcome him into their home and their lives.
Saint Thomas Aquinas was one of the most mentally-warped fanatics ever produced by the Holy Mother Church. In I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter, as in all of his stories, Mellick uses humor to expose the plight of the 21st century human, who’s simply trying to survive in a world of drastically reduced resources and opportunities, while getting bonked on the head at every turn by virtually unlimited archaic mental and cultural sledgehammers.
It turns out that from the time of Jesus until the 13th century when Saint Thomas penned his tome, wet dreams were nagging at the meditations of virtually every great Christian thinker.
According to Saint Thomas, a succubus could also transform itself into an “incubus”—a male hunk version of the demon—with the purpose of seducing sleeping females and impregnating them with demon seed.
Jonathan, said dude, is a 24-year-old virgin whose own family thinks—understandably—that he’s a good-for-nothing bum.
Nine months later, a red-skinned, forked-tongued, barbed-tailed girl with glowing eyes and devil’s horns shows up at his front door. She further informs him that her father (Satan!) will be very upset if Jonathan doesn’t marry her.
But when Jonathan takes his blood-red bride-to-be to meet his family—including his brother Chuck and his fundamentalist preacher brother-in-law, Joseph—trouble ensues.
The story follows a Hollywood romantic comedy format, but with a surreal dogleg to every hilarious scene.
He is the nutcase arguably most responsible for the estimated nine million victims of murder by the Church since the 13th Century—most of them women, many burned at the stake, often following gruesome torture, for cavorting with the devil.
Tags: Bizarro fiction, carlton mellick, carlton mellick III books, Catholic church, christian satire, demons, fiction book reviews, i knocked up satan's daughter, incubi, nocturnal emission dream, religious satire, Saint Thomas Aquinas, succubi, summa theologica . You see, wet dreams just don’t fit the Church’s idea of the devout practitioner’s path to the Lord.
Thomas explained that succubi, which were demons sent from Hell in the form of hot babes, literally seduced men while they slept in order to steal their souls. Needless to say, distressed women of the Dark and Middle Ages who found themselves pregnant out of wedlock took to blaming incubi for their unfortunate condition.
She informs Jonathan that she’s pregnant with his child and, like any girl in trouble, she wants him to marry her. No other author writing today is better suited to deflating the entire monstrous Catholic construct, and there is no theologian more deserving of skewering than good ol’ Thomas Aquinas. Because of Saint Thomas Aquinas, ordained priests to this day are required to be fluent in the rite of exorcism, and they’re still taught that succubi and incubi are real (though women today presumably find less need for such lame pregnancy excuses). I spent a critical formative year of my adolescence in the Holy Ghost Fathers Seminary in Ann Arbor, Michigan, so let me clue you in.
Night after night, for more than a millennium, good Christian men had been suffering horrendous pangs of guilt and horror over spilling their seed in violation of God’s law. Of course, this meant said offspring were devil spawn, which created a lucrative business for priest-exorcists of the time.
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