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The EndHEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, (formerly California)White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? Important Women's Health Issue:* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?* Do you suffer from shyness?* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high with no wood underneath . It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned outto be an optical Aleutian .3.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because itwas a weapon of math disruption.5. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
It's very, very important that these four women do not know each otherNew Tests For Long Term Care During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whetheror not an older person should be put in an old age home?" Well," he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," I said. Bartenders Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,24th & 29th.
Writer Samuel Clemens took the term for his pen name after a stint as an apprentice river pilot.
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