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It’s reasonable to think that the kind of love Carver wanted out of life, and the love we want out of marriage, is the love of true friendship.
To understand what a marriage of true friendship would be like, we have to start with Aristotle’s view of what marriage is about.
The project of having and raising children, whether it is undertaken lightly or not, cannot be lightly discarded. The point is this: once you have taken on the lifelong project of raising a child, the success of that project must itself become a central consideration. We feel ourselves beloved when we know that our friend sees us for who we really are and loves what he sees. But it is the source of that goodwill that differentiates perfect friendship from two imperfect forms of friendship.
Imperfect friends love the benefits they derive from their relationship: they find each other pleasant, or useful, or both, and their goodwill stems from that.
It sounds like he could well be saying that marriage is mostly a friendship of utility with maybe a little pleasure thrown in if we’re lucky. With true friendship, friends love each other for their own sake, and they wish good things for each other.
The relationship I have with a golf buddy who makes me laugh, for instance, might be a friendship of pleasure. If he plays with me because I have a membership in an exclusive golf club, then his friendship for me is one of utility. Imperfect friendships, on the other hand, arise and die quickly, because they are based on impermanent things: beauty, or wealth, or shared experiences.
When one or both parties cease to find the relationship pleasant or useful, the relationship ceases as well. Because human offspring take the longest to raise, men and women form the most lasting relationships of any species. And especially when it comes to having and raising children, it’s really important not to forget that the foundation of marriage really is an important, life-long shared activity, one that, once opted into, is difficult or even impossible to opt out of. 2012:In California, SNAP, EBT, Food Stamps, and similar are now called CalFresh, operated by Cal Social Services and Cal Dept.
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