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We did our own research into the lexical world of VAGINA, and this produced some interesting results. The fact that Republicans are trying to legislate something they are unwilling to even say adds extra layers of hilarity to VAGINAgate. In a world conspicuously devoid of adverts for wiener cleaner, it’s a bit disconcerting to see ‘Woo hoo for my froo froo!’ posted on the side of telephone boxes throughout the country.
Such terms are perhaps just about acceptable when you have a little girl with a tricycle injury and don’t want her uttering the C-bomb.
The problem with euphemising the term ‘VAGINA’ is that it takes serious discussion of them off to the menu. Of course, the implication that you can’t really love your VAGINA unless you use a certain product is deeply impertinent.
Until they finally realised that it annihilated everything good inside your flange, douching that made you smell detergent-like was an incredibly popular activity, promoted mostly by VAGINA-haters in the US. In light of this, it’s of utmost importance that you learn to call your VAGINA what it is, and furthermore, accept it in its natural state. Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett and Holly Baxter are co-founders and editors of online magazine, The Vagenda. I believe we are in a position not dissimilar to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: do we jump and hope it doesn’t kill us, or stay put and hope to dodge the bullets. I might be feeling more cynical than usual but this latest “the end is nigh” pronouncement arrived promptly on the heels of the latest net migration figures, which were, as expected, catastrophically bad. This is interesting timing bearing in mind another piece of analysis I read somewhere (there’s a lot of it about) that we, the over-50s, are statistically not only most likely to vote in the forthcoming EU referendum but are also most likely to vote to leave.
Statistics are, of course, the bedrock of analysis, and the Treasury’s analysis shows that if we leave the European Union millions of current and future pensioners will be worse off. I don’t know about you but given his record I find IDS less than credible on the subject of pensions or anything else really, which makes him an odd spokesperson to choose. However, let us not forget that, since 2010, the state pension has been pegged to keep pace with 1) inflation, 2) average earnings or 3) a minimum of 2.5 per cent (the famous “triple-lock”), thus ensuring it rises each year. Perhaps more relevant is how the UK economy post-apocalypse – sorry, post-Brexit – would affect private pension pots. I daresay this part of the analysis is true, given that pension funds are invested in financial markets and financial markets aren’t good with unknowns. If Britain votes to leave, I have no doubt we can expect those conditions to continue for quite some time – much in the same way that everything is all over the place when you move house but eventually you find the corkscrew again. In that scenario it’s just a case of slogging through it but, personally, if I was planning to retire at some point before 2020, I’d probably think it through carefully and consider whether it was worth waiting until a blissful state of whatever passes for normal has resumed. Of course, what the Treasury hasn’t pointed out is what might be lurking somewhere, backed up in the EU bureaucratic pipeline. In short, I believe we are in a position not dissimilar to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: do we jump and hope it doesn’t kill us, or stay put and hope to dodge the bullets.
George Osborne’s statement that, “pensioners who have worked hard all their lives deserve dignity, security and certainty in retirement” is a fine sentiment but far from the reality for most. Perhaps because our VAGINAS, especially those of our American sisters are, much like Stalingrad, increasingly under siege (Stalingrad is another euphemism for VAGINA). The feminist backlash to the suggestion of transvaginal probes involved women inundating Senator Ryan McDoogle’s Facebook page with detailed information about their lady bits. From the Inga Muscio classic Cunt: A Declaration of Independence to Dr Catherine Blackledge’s The Story of V, to Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman, women have been trying to wrestle their vaginas out of male hands and away from male terms which don’t belong to us for ages now. Half the population carry them around in their pants without freaking out, yet if VAGINAS were supposed to complement the saccharine, flower-gathering view of everyday women by smelling like a lavender patch, they would. VAGINAS are a wonderful arrangement of flaps capable of the most magnificent things, just as God, in Her infinite wisdom, intended.
Apparently this is down to two things: a misty-eyed nostalgia for Britain before straight bananas and concern over net migration.
Predictably Vote Leave, in the person of former Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said this is “utterly outrageous” and “cynical”. But that aside, when you unpick the Treasury’s analysis, it’s broadly this: that leaving the EU would cause inflation to rise and that rise would erode the value of state pension increases to the tune of ?137 per year, per state pensioner. The Treasury’s analysis estimates that those with an additional pension worth ?60,000 could expect to see its value drop by ?1,900. That sounds like a piffling amount when you’re in work but let me tell you it’s not when you reach retirement – it’s more than a whole month’s grocery bill. This week began with the pound at its lowest level for quite some time, largely down to the looming unknown of 23 June and what happens afterwards. I wish I’d thought of that before I did retire a couple of years ago but that’s hindsight for you and another, longer, story. Obviously it wouldn’t benefit the Remain camp to explain the European Commission’s plans for occupational pensions, insurances, tax proposals, final salary schemes or anything else that could thwack a few hundred billion onto our pension costs. State representative Lisa Brown hilariously offended some Republicans last week when she had the temerity to utter the word during a ridiculously euphemistic debate about female contraception and abortion. The fact that ‘VAGINA’ is back with a vengeance can only be good in the face of patronising advertising such as the below, from a well-known feminine hygiene brand that we don’t care to publicise here. Celebrating because you got the right product to make your natural VAGINA less disgusting: not exactly the passive aggressive message we relish.
The potential for hilarity (pastrami curtains, anyone?) has been eschewed in favour of prudishness.
How on earth are we supposed to retain possession of them if we can’t even call them what they are? Lisa Brown being banned from saying "vagina", it's no wonder America were at the forefront (pun intended) of fanny denial. Once you do that, you’ll realise that anyone who says otherwise is most likely a DOUCHEBAG.
A couple of weeks ago, the Treasury lined up my demographic in its crosshairs and launched its latest projections at us in a destabilising barrage of post-Brexit pension statistics. Or that our pension arrangements and schemes, state and private, are in a truly appalling state of chaos with almost every week bringing a new casualty to the doors of the Pension Protection Fund. All of it, all these hours and hours spent on spreadsheets, surveys and statistics to scare us to death, are spun from nothing more substantial than a set of assumptions.
We encountered two Italian exchange students who told us that the standard slang term for down there in Italy is ‘potato’ - a visual we’re finding it slightly difficult to get our heads around. They suggest a variety of terms, ranging from ‘mini’ to ‘twinkle’ to ‘hoo ha’, before uttering the immortal tagline ‘whatever you call it, make sure you love it.’ VOM. The whole ‘froo froo’ shebang has led to an internet-wide speculation on how you should refer to your lady parts - with equally cutesy results.
Fundamentalist Christians are no better, as the online post ’51 Christian Friendly Terms For VAGINA’, which jokingly suggests such legends as ‘sin bucket’, ‘devil sponge’ and ‘neighbour of anus’, goes to show. Which is why it is of utmost importance that, if you can bring yourself to do it, you stop referring to your ‘la-la’ and start using the proper anatomical terminology.
Pussy polishers that claim to say woo woo to your frou frou are just the natural extension of douching, which should have died a death before we even knew they did more harm than good.
The Treasury analysis is based on the twin assumptions that inflation will rise and economic growth will slow.
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