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On the 8th May 2012 I was diagnosed with Advanced Prostate Cancer at the Whittington Hospital, London. My last blood test was good as it showed that the PSA level had not risen over the previous 3 months.
I’m staying at the Old Carlton Arms hotel where my Surgical Dreams exhibition is due to open on Friday. With regard to the prosthetic implant device, I had to have corrective surgery as the pump part of it, housed in the scrotum, became stuck to one of my nuts.
Whilst coming round from the anaesthetic I read a leaflet about alternative therapies including reiki and reflexology that informed me I could be visited by the therapist. When I became aware of the cancer I decided not to tell my parents as they are both very good at worrying. I am working with my friend Nick to publish an illustrated, book both factual and personal, about the prostate cancer experience so it seems the right time to stop sending these updates particularly as I hope there will not be a lot more to tell in the future.
This week, the exciting world of prostate cancer opens up new windows onto the world of discomfort and irritation.
Since the insertion of the Coloplast Titan* penis machine in September, the actual concern over the cancer has taken a back-seat.
However in general things are fine and I can now cycle short distances if I position my bum to one side of the saddle.
My last report concerning the Witchdoctor’s administrations (draining blood from the back of the knees) led many to believe he is a bloodthirsty loony but I will stick with it. Just as a matter of interest, so that I could inform my son when he will inherit my impressive estate I checked out a couple of online Death Date sites.
In an further attempt to steal my thunder, my mum has now expressed a desire to eat her clothes and discusses possible ways of cooking coats and socks. So, until a gripping report of further interventions and realignments, goodbye and stay well. Just a quick issue before I go into UCLH next week for the penis rehabilitation operation, a simple procedure to put an inflatable device in the downstairs dept.
Also, in the interests of personal, internal hygiene and perversion I visited a colonic irrigator (not alligator) in Broadway market (indoors), an item that had been on my “things to do before you die” list for some time. However in a subconscious effort to regain the limelight I made a valiant attempt to redress the balance.
A recent study from the University of Exeter has been reported as showing that smelling farts can cure cancer, as well as many other diseases.
Just to let you know I’m still here although not a lot has happened recently and the way forward is mysterious. It seems that UCLH is not completely coordinated with Whittington as a doctor there (The Big nob doctor) suggested that I change my treatment to UCLH as they have better, moderner facilities and gave me more and stronger Cialis.
Since being diagnosed I’ve read numerous books about fighting cancer with diet, fitness and alternative therapies.
For those who I’ve not seen recently, the news is that my last blood test gave a PSA reading that was “undetectable”.
For those who are confused there is an after-surgery medical trial called RADICALS that randomly puts you in one group or the other.
Amongst other trials, I am also signed up for one that explores a genetic link for this type of cancer. Anyway, there may not be a great deal more to say for some time about this whole unusual saga so Cancer Weekly will revert to being a very occasional publication. Many thanks to those who, having not received any recent correspondence, tactfully enquired whether I was dead. On returning I popped into the club-house for an appointment with the radio therapist, Dr Payne (sounds better spoken than read). I was wearing one on the day I had my catheter removed and was whisked off straight from the Whittington hospital to Whitstable for a charming day out courtesy of Dr McNeill. I have been working on ways to help fellow sufferers and following the success of designer urinary leg bags I have started work on seaweed wigs for those with chemotherapy side effects.
Armed with all my new-found knowledge I feel I could write a learned book on the subject or at least a daft article for the Lancet. Much has happened since the last issue of this infrequent ramble and my search for cancer cures both traditional, alternative and completely odd continues. I recently visited a Maggie’s centre at Charing Cross hospital, where my friend Tim Hyman is artist in residence,  and dropped in on a prostate group meeting at which a rather dour doctor talked about palliative care (dealing with the very sick and incurables). It turns out that one has some choice in where to receive their palliative care – home, hospital and hospice seem to be the favourites. The tumour was quite large, filling the left side of the prostate and half of the right side.
After receiving this heartening news I took a stroll to the Hunterian Museum on Lincolns Inn Fields where I celebrated by watching a couple of short films.
The cancer fishing luck seems to be holding out with a recent catch of 2 tench and a big roach that was seized on the way in by a monster pike which snapped my line.
Once again, many thanks to all who have given support with odd dietary suggestions, vile tasting nuts, lucky talismans, interesting drawings and trips to the seaside. The bad news is I still have cancer but the good news is the catheter, which was the diameter of a drainpipe, has been removed and I no longer go everywhere looking like Dr Phibes with a bag of urine strapped to my leg.
After nearly 3 weeks of that attachment I now enjoy my new freedom of movement but am engaged in a fight to control temporary incontinence. Although returning to work is something for the future, with Loo Loo’s camera and direction we have made a number of films illustrating additional uses for the portable wee wee bag. The next episode in this exciting drama occurs on 14th Sept when I go to see the specialist team at UCLH for biopsy results, pathology report and the plan for future treatment. Once again, many thanks to all who have added their good wishes to the great seething mass of positivity that has accrued. Also, just in case things downstairs don’t fully return to normal my brother in cancer Herr Heinz Krautberger has suggested I could join him in employment as a harem guard and nurse de la Hey points out that my 6 abdominal stigmata put me 2 up on Jesus.
Recent Commentsjungle juice on Sample PageRaymond Toller on Cancer Weekly 5Link Emporor on Cancer Weekly No.
Xenical helps you to achieve weight loss without suppressing your appetite.It is one of the most successful treatment for weight loss. This was remarkably uncomfortable although for a long while I thought it was part of the normal healing process. We also appear to be competitive as he has 3 different cancers which he treats with large infusions of beer, red wine and whisky every evening. Now firmly in place this squid-like, bouncy castle apparatus is partially settled with all the scabs and stitches healed and dissolved. His initial blood tests discovered I had some considerable DNA adducts (cancer-causing chemicals bonded to one’s DNA) including cadmium and malondialdehyde, which as you know is a naturally occurring product of lipid peroxidation and prostaglandin biosynthesis that is mutagenic and carcinogenic. Named “Surgical Dreams” it comprised a number of works inspired by recent surgery and drugs. It indicates that something in me is still producing PSA but it’s not possible to say if it is cancer cells or leftover prostate cells. It was nowhere near as exciting as I’d hoped but she did have some interesting insights into my diet and intestines based on what came out.

The study claimed that targeted delivery of a compound called AP39 causes more hydrogen sulphide to be produced by an ailing cell, and hydrogen sulphide in small doses can prove protective to the cell’s mitochondria, which supplies the cell’s energy and is often damaged by diseases. After a brief spell of not much to report the world of Prostate cancer has once again entered an exciting stage.
9 It seems that the exciting phase of having cancer has passed for now and I am in a watch and wait scenario. There are many approaches including the use of massive doses of vitamin C, a diet of cruciferous veg, cannabis, aspirin and gallons of flax oil every day.
The purpose of the trial is to ascertain which of the 2 options gives better survival rates. It turned out that I was about the youngest person there and one of the few that could walk without assistance. It looks like the most exciting bit is behind me (at least I hope so) and it’s now a matter of waiting. My previous meeting was with the surgeon who assured me that he had removed the cancer and could “melt” any free cancer cells with an injection. It seems that dark purple, swollen private parts are not an after-effect confined to prostatectomies.
According to some info I have received it seems likely that cancer can be controlled and even cured by smoking cannabis. Following detailed blood tests, my alternative doc discovered I have a high level of cadmium.
Not very cheerful until one of the group started talking about the Dignitas clinic in Zurich where they will end it all for you.
Fortunately my nearest hospice is St Joseph’s, just down the road within crawling distance.
The first showed the interior view of a prostate operation in which the gland was carved up using a heated wire loop and flushed out of the bladder in bits. I find myself in the privileged position of being able to choose (or try to) between farting with or without wetting my pants at the same time.
On a couple of attempts I have managed to stick it to the end of my nob causing considerable pain in removal.
I have learnt through my previous experience of these meetings that a sharp Stanley knife could be useful. I am aware that candles have been lit, prayers prayed, chants chanted, offerings burnt and notes hung on trees of life. A biopsy discovered that the prostate contained a malignant tumour and I was prescribed Bicalutamide tablets until I had a prostatectomy operation on the 7th August. There’s no definite reason why this has happened but there is a possibility that my immune system is getting the better of the situation. My friend Heinz is here and he was diagnosed with bladder and prostate cancers at the same time as me.
It soon became clear to me that each time there was a development in my illness or treatment, she would suffer another setback. So affective is his treatment that he now has to sleep on the ground floor of his house as he can’t get up the stairs. However there are now 3 items jostling for space in my scrotum and one of them is trying to get out. Using natural remedies the worst adducts have been removed and now attention has moved to the less problematic but still nasty sulphates that remain. Not the best of spaces to look at the works but some of them provided a good counterpoint to the eating and scoffing taking place. If it is cancer then there is a further possibility that the body’s immune system could actually kill them off as they have not formed a tumour. Tiny amounts of brown powder in 30 small, folded paper packages is mixed with butter and washed down with milk.
She told me I was very good at it and she’d never known anyone hold so much water on their first visit.
Hydrogen sulphide preventing this mitochondrial damage therefore can help cells resist the progression of many diseases. Returning from a long holiday I went for a check-up that showed my PSA reading had risen meaning that the cancer was not eradicated with the operation and that it was growing again. The one thing they all have in common is that everything one likes to eat and drink is taboo. The radio therapist says this gives a 50% chance that the cancer is gone or it is still there in microscopic form. Given that prostate cancer is very popular these days there is still a lot that is unknown.
This didn’t go down well with the radio therapist who said he should stick to surgery. I offered a loud hello and went outside where a decorator came over and said they didn’t see many men wearing dresses around those parts. This appears to be common amongst patients recovering from a wide variety of operations and begs the question – what these perverts do when one is unconscious?
Not sure if this one cures lung cancer but bowel cancer can be helped by smoking ordinary cigarettes. The pathology test report says that the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes and is not present in surrounding tissue.
It appears that he and several other doctors have already been talking about developing artworks from images so it’s good timing.
It’s all to do with the coordination between the Clacker Valve* and the bladder sphincter. I hope that in future they will be seen as educational and form part of a blockbuster show of cancer art and entertainment. Most people have lots of questions -- from how it's used and how it affects a couple's relationship, to whether women can benefit from it. Hugo who runs the place found out he had prostate cancer recently so along with a young writer staying here whilst having radiotherapy for breast cancer we have formed a rather jolly Cancer Club that runs mainly on Malbec. A continued series of falls eventually developed into infections and dementia and I found that I spent a lot of time recovering from my own problems whilst visiting her in hospitals. The pump device is not behaving as it should and has settled in the wrong place and it’s jolly uncomfortable.
The existing list has now only got 2 items as I ticked off colonic irrigation a couple of months ago. Alchemical zinc takes 3 months to prepare and is the end product of continual distillations. After a year ( fingers crossed) that becomes every 6 months and will continue for as long as I last.
I now need to decide between 7 weeks of radio therapy to kill off remaining cells or the option of monthly monitoring of the PSA level with radio therapy if it starts to rise. Her plan is to get my current PSA reading and decide whether to go for the 7 weeks’ radio therapy or just watch me. I’m wondering if the spirit of Jimmy Saville is still alive in hospitals under a different guise.

The digital rectal examination is actually the best bit of the whole process and it’s free.
In order to make this matter less messy whilst trying to regain control of the pelvic floor, I am armed with a box of Discreet Male Protective Pads (nappies) that I stick in the gusset of my newly purchased, large-size Y fronts. I have also discovered that the discs of my PET and MRI scans contain some really great hidden images. It does not convert to estrogen and, therefore, estrogen-caused water retention and fat deposition will not occur from using it.
Not the news I was hoping for so they arranged for my appointment with Dr Payne in oncology to be brought forward.
It is hoped that the PSA level will not change as a slow rise will suggest that the cancer is still present probably in the ex-prostate site and a more rapid rise that it has metastased to another location. The latter sounds a lot better as the side effect of the RT are numerous and some of them rather worrying (including the RT causing further cancers).
The latter sounds best as the RT is a 7 week course, 5 days per week preceded by 1 month hormones and a couple of years of hormones afterwards.
Of course, all of these cures have been suppressed by governments under pressure from profitable drug-making companies.
This lead to talk about what qualifications are needed to set up one’s own murder clinic. Having seen a doctor and the surgeon in the past few days it is uncertain whether this means there are cancer cells still in the area. However, although I could do without all this I do like to think that wearing a nappy makes me look younger.
Dr Slim Lucas confirms my belief with the following – I hear from an informed friend that your theory about contracting cancer from Louise’s dog is very plausible one and that this is very common. Methenolone increases the conversion of protein to lean muscle tissue through its anabolic activity.
He also gave me a session of acupuncture, jabbing fat needles into the back of my knees (a place that has no proper anatomical name) until the blood running out of the veins formed puddles around my feet.
The good news is that the test results last tuesday showed the PSA was still at the undetectable level – 0.01. I’m hoping to meet the head of imaging dept at the hospital who has expressed interest in working with an artist. In the United States, more than 5 million men just like you have turned to Viagra to improve their sexual function. I’m beginning to wonder if hospitals choose doctors for their appropriate names since I have recently seen both doctor Payne and Dr Dhai.
Looks like future treatment will be based on the decision I make between monitoring PSA readings every 3 months and radiotherapy.
Goodnews at the Whittington was changed as he is still ill and I saw the unfortunately named Dr. It’s interesting to note that if it does move to another part of the body it is still prostate cancer. This test is combined with a DRE (digital rectal examination) that gives the first indication of the stage of the tumour. On turning up at the clubhouse the following week I found that the appointment had been cancelled and nobody told me. It reminded me of some of my previous visits to this hospital many years ago, due mainly to motorbike accidents, when I noticed parking bays reserved for Dr.
When I eventually re-scheduled a visit I found out that my PSA had risen very slightly to 0.02 and was still too low to start radio therapy.
Viagra improves erections in most men regardless of how long they have had ED, what caused it, or how old they are. T3 and 4 are advanced and indicate that the cancer has spread beyond the gland into the surrounding tissue. And the effectiveness of Viagra has been proven in clinical studies of thousands of patients. The Gleason score looks at the pattern of cancer cells within the prostate by examining the biopsy samples.
Viagra is a prescription medication, so you'll need to talk to your health care provider to find out if it's right for you. They are all very good when you can actually get hold of them and given the amount of patients they see, I am amazed that they can remember who I am (apart from the one who calls me Martin).
Be sure to ask your health care provider if your heart is healthy enough to handle the extra strain of sexual activity.
If you have chest pains, dizziness, or nausea during sex, stop and immediately tell your health care provider. At a subsequent meeting I found that he is actually called the Penis Man by his colleagues – more professional I suppose. With Viagra , the most common side effects are headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. Were it just a matter of rigidity there would be no problem but the Induratio Penis Plastica (Peyronie’s disease) persists and a banana shaped appendage has few uses short of giving directions to lost tourists. However help is at hand with the  all new Coloplast Titan Touch Zero penile prosthesis which is a surgically inserted implant that is combined with a straightening proceedure.  At my recent appointment with the big nob doctor I was referred to a specialist nurse who threw a dead squid on the table and told me it would fix the problem. A needle is then passed through the wall of the rectum into the prostate where it snips out 12 tissue samples. This fascinating, slightly luminous silicone device utilises a couple of expansion chambers , a pump and saline reservoir to provide engorgement.
Remember to protect yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted diseases.This product was added to our catalog on Thursday 06 April, 2006. Bicalutamide is an anti-androgen hormone that works by attaching itself to the protein receptors on the surface of the cancer cells.
Six weeks after the quick operation the lucky recipient will be able to inflate at any time. It works by pumping the saline solution into the chambers until the desired affect is achieved. With regard to radio therapy there appears to be an unexpected bonus – I get a free tattoo thrown in. This is in the form of some small, permanent dots on the abdomen that help the radiographer to aim the ray gun at the right place. So what with living in London Fields and having a beard I may soon have some tattoos so then I’ll be even more trendy. Top marks to me for getting rigidity, engorgement, inflation and trousers into this report.

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