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ILLUSTRATION
KIT KAT MAINGAT
c h i k k a
l a u g h t r i p
Dreaming of having
a fit body is easier
than getting one!
Which fitness trend works — and
which doesn’t? Our resident comic
Tim Tayag shares some of his
(mis)adventures in pursuing the
healthy lifestyle
Health
craze
maze
IT’S HARD
having an average body —
neither thin nor fat. I don’t have six-pack
abs to brag about, but I’m comfortable
being shirtless at the beach — so long as I
hold my breath. If you’re like me, then you
know that our needs have largely been
ignored by the big health and diet products
and services suppliers. They instead focus
on dramatic weight loss (think
Biggest
Loser
) or gaining muscle mass (think
steroids). I’ve been through a bunch of diet
plans and exercise programs, and it’s not
my fault that most didn’t work. I just want a
plan that requires the least effort but brings
the most results. Here’s what I found.
South Beach Diet
It works, but it’s difficult to prepare food that
adheres to the rules on a daily basis. I hired
a service that prepared and delivered my
five meals for the day each morning, so I
didn’t need to think about anything except
eating. The first two weeks were the most
effective — I lost 8 to 10lbs. Then it was
downhill from there; the deliveries burned a
hole in my pocket after a while. Besides, I
could only take so much microwaved food
that tasted as good as cardboard. Yes, I’ve
tasted cardboard.
Eat Right For Your
Blood Type
In this plan, your blood type determines
what food is good (and bad) for you. My
family all have type A blood. My blood is
a bit dumber: B. Chicken is supposedly my
enemy. Yup, my favorite meat besides beef.
This almost made me throw the book and
cuss for an hour. However, I heard this diet
really works. But so does food poisoning.
Paleo Solution
This worked best for me. It’s easy: just
avoid processed foods. That means don’t
make eye contact with things like Spam,
Spam and more Spam. The beauty of
this plan is even if you only follow 70 to
80% of the rules, you’ll still lose weight. I
lost two inches off my waist and I’m only
75% compliant. The point is to eat like a
Paleolithic man, so consumption of raw,
unprocessed food with the fear of getting
eaten by wild predators is encouraged. The
adrenaline rush alone will burn a lot of your
stored fat.
Crossfit
Crossfit combines Olympic-style weight
lifting, gymnastics, and occult worship of
metals and knee-high socks. I keep my
Crossfit workouts below 30 minutes, so I
spend minimal time smelling my sweat
and that of others. However, the pain is
maximized during that short period. The
trainers figure out what will kill you, then
they just add an extra minute to that.
I don’t have abs yet, but I am close. And
when I get those abs, I’ll use them and be
helpful — I’ll wash your stained clothes
with them, let you touch them when you’re
lonely, and help old people cross the street
with them.