AMERICANWAY
JANUARY 1 2008
S H A H I N T A K E S O F F
106
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ILLUSTRATIONBYAMANDADUFFY
SwitchNew
Year’s andHog
Callers’ Day
ByJimShahin
unseasonable any-
more. Unseasonable
may be just the
way things are.
It may be tan-
ning in February,
shoveling in July. It
may be oceans rising,
snowcapsmelting, sidewalks
erupting, skyscrapers crumbling, bulldogs
purring, teenagers behaving. It may be cli-
maticbeer cans smashed intoplanetary fore-
heads.Which is to say, meteorological lunacy
on a JohnBelushi scale.
Which is to say, the world as
Animal
House
.
Which is to say, global warming.
In that case? Unseasonable is the new
season.
And that is why it being warmmight be
worse than it being cold outside. Because it
is winter. It’s
supposed
to be cold outside.
Unless, of course, it’s unseasonable. Then it’s
okay.
But I’mnot talking about global warming.
No, what I am talking about is celebrat-
ing theNewYear in themiddleofwinter. And
what I am saying is thatwe need to stop do-
ing it.
We should spend winters as bears do:
watching football.
Oh, I forgot—we already do that.
No less an authority on the United States
than the United States says so. This is pur-
portedly from the U.S. State Department:
“Many families and friends watch television
together, enjoying the Tournament of Roses
parade preceding the Rose Bowl football
game inPasadena, California.
“In the warmer regions all around the
country, there are other gameswhose names
are characteristic of the states. Peoplewatch
the Orange Bowl game in Florida, the Cotton
Bowl in Texas, and the Sugar Bowl in Loui-
siana.”
Note I used the word
purportedly
. That
I NEED ANOTHER
new year like I need an-
other hole in my head. That’s right, another.
How I got the first one, I have no idea. All I
know is that there is a throbbing achewhere
a thought process used tobe.
Somewould say it isnot aholebut ahang-
over.
Hey, you say tomatoes, I say hole in my
head. All right?
The point, though, isn’tmy head. The point
is the new year.
Look at it out there. It is as dark as the
longnight of a tortured soul andas coldas, to
quote the Foreigner singer guy,
iiiiice
.
Why I quoted the Foreigner singer guy, I
have no idea. Probably because I have a hole
inmy head.
Which reminds me: I need another new
year like I need another Foreigner reunion
tour. Which will probably happen this year,
because it always happens.
Anyway, the thing is,what I reallymean is,
yours are the sweetest eyes … oh, jeez, now
I’m quoting old Elton John songs. That hole
just keeps gettingbigger.
I need food. Somebody giveme a cheese-
burger!
(That’s from the oldSteveMiller song
Liv-
ing in theUSA
.)
Please.Make it stop.
My head is a jukebox that plays only bad
songs.
Last issue, I lamented that all thewonder-
ful, cheery, relentless Christmastime music
wouldendaround theNewYear. Ihadn’t con-
sidered that an entirely new batch of songs
would take its place.
But here they are. And you know why?
That’s right: Because I have a hole in my
head.
Even so, I do remember saying that it is
cold outside.
But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s unseason-
ablywarm.
And if it isunseasonablywarm, that’s even
worse. Because unseasonable may not be
is because when
I did an Internet
search on the phrase
“American NewYear’s,” I
came across the preceding
material on
.usembassy.gov. The page
has the official United States
eagle insignia in the top left
corner, and, at the bottom, it has
thewords, “Embassy of the United States of
America.” But I couldn’t find the same docu-
mentwhen I ran the searchon theU.S. State
Department’s site.
I did find similar pages on the U.S. site,
though. Therewas a lot of the samematerial
about federal U.S. holidays, but there wasn’t
anything about watching football. It did,
however, cite— and I amnotmaking this up
—HogCallers’ Day.
I did an Internet search of “Hog Callers’
Day,”and, fromwhat Ican tell, there isn’tone.
Butmy guess is that it is in the summer.
So I don’t knowwhat is going on. Is there
someguyat theU.S. StateDepartmentgiving
false information about American holidays
for national-security purposes? Or are the
Swedes making stuff up about Americans
watching football, but it’s true?
Coincidence?Conspiracy?
Youdecide.
Whatever it is, the United States, prefer-
ablywith Sweden’s backing but alone if need
be, should officially move New Year’s from
the dead of winter — whether cold or not,
it is still dark— to a timemore fitting to the
occasion.
Sometime, say, in the summer, when the
grass is green. When the days are longer.
When the songs are better.
When I am overmy hangover.
