AMERICANWAY
MAY 15 2007
S H A H I N T A K E S O F F
132
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ILLUSTRATIONBYAMANDADUFFY
FAQs
ByJimShahin
it was inside a whole gob of
plastic. Hope you didn’t throw
it out.
After
you
finish
unscrewing the Torx
screws, simply enter
your code on the TGB
3000’s keypad, which
is microscopically small
for your convenience. Obtain
your personal code by going to
ourwebsite, clickingonCode, and
entering your name, product serial
number, yourbirthplace, elementary
school, mother’s maiden name, her
mother’s maiden name, the maiden name
of your next-door neighbor’s mother, and a
scannedfingerprint from the three of them.
A red pulsating light will come on. That’s
the engage button. While simultaneously
pressing down on the seven and pound keys,
simply push in the engage button.
Simplicity itself.
Whyaremypictures fuzzy?
The TGB 3000 takes sharp, vibrant, lifelike
photosofyour friends, family, and thosecrazy,
funpals (theoneswhosepicturesyousecretly
snap and then post on the Internet). It’s not
our fault if your photographs are not clear.
But here are a couple of suggestions:
First, check to see if the camera’s lens
is blocked by too many boxes or by other
obstructions meant to hide the camera from
a subject’s view. If obstruction isn’t the
problem, try cleaning the lens with the TGB
3000 Special Ultraclean Stuff, available for
only $36.95 per 12-sheet package. It looks a
lot like regularoldKleenex, but it’snot. Really.
Gobuy theStuff.
Whyam I having troubledownloading
music?
Have you considered that your taste inmusic
stinks? The TGB 3000 comes equippedwith
a Taste Arbiter. If you try to download,
say, the mid-1970s hair band Foreigner, the
phone emits a laugh and then turns itself off.
THANK YOU
for contacting the Frequently
AskedQuestions (FAQ) page for theUltrathin
WidescreenWirelessAll-in-OneThingamabob
3000. The TGB 3000 includes a super-
megapixel camera, laser printer capabilities,
anMP3player, e-mail, awebbrowser, TVand
movie download and playback capabilities,
a Bluetooth, a BlackBerry, a dishwasher, a
lawn mower, a potato peeler, a hair dryer,
and Stuff That Hasn’t Even Been Invented
Yet (STHEBIY™), all in the super-stylish “just
glance in its direction, and it reads yourmind
anddials” Point-and-Call cellular phone.
Our FAQs should answer most operating
and troubleshooting queries. However, if you
still have questions, search our Site Index for
“More FAQs.” Still more questions? Search
for “EvenMore FAQs.”
Thank you for purchasing the Thingamabob
3000.
Howdo I turn it on?
You can’t turn it on? As the saying goes,
“Somewhere, a village ismissing its idiot.”
The TGB 3000 is so technologically
advanced, everything about it is incredibly
simple. So let’sgo through this, stepbysimple
step. Ready?Herewe go:
First, it is an engage button, not an on
button. Okay?
Terminology is important if you are to
understand advanced technology. We hope
that
terminology
isnot toobigaword for you.
For your protection, the engage (on)
button is located inside the phone. The
button is easily accessible by unscrewing,
in the correct order, A through D, the four
itsy-bitsy little Torx screws in the right-hand
corneron theupper sideof theundercarriage
(see illustration). If the TGB 3000 is stolen
or lost, no one can use it, because no one
owns aTorx screwdriver or evenknowswhat
a Torx screwdriver is. A Torx screwdriver is
providedby themanufacturer. It came in the
box. It was that thing about the length of a
clipped average-adult-male thumbnail, and
If you’ve tried several different bands and
are still having trouble, it could be that you
are suffering from MDS, or Music Dweeb
Syndrome. Consult your doctor.
Whydoesn’t theprinter seem towork?
You’re joking, right?Didyou really think there
was a printer in the TGB 3000? The thing
fits in the palm of your hand, for cryin’ out
loud! Think about it. How is an eight-by-11-
inch piece of paper going to come out of
something smaller than an index card?
We say it has the
capability
for printing.
We don’t say that it prints.
Whydoes thephoneget suchpoor
reception?
There are a few small kinks towork out. One
of them is theway theTGB3000’s incredibly
advanced enhancements all sync with one
another.
For the best-quality reception, uninstall
everything except the phone feature. You’ll
need theTorx screwdriver.
Whyaremyplates andglasses spotty?
Press the No Spot button, under the
Dishwasher button. If that doesn’t work, try
adifferent detergent.
Howdo I contact you?
Go toourwebsiteand clickonGoodLuck.
