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Recently, Dan took to Facebook to pen an open letter describing the journey towards pregnancy — from a very detailed description of what it’s like to make a sperm deposit, to trying to put into words the heartbreaking experience of miscarriage.
I mean, look, when you’re in your twenties, it feels like you can’t look at someone else without getting pregnant.
Do doctors ever tell anybody, ‘This is what is wrong, and this is how to fix it,’ and then give them pills, and they’re fine?
For Leah, we eventually figured out, this meant a regimen of hormone boosters to facilitate egg production. Then, after one or two ultrasounds to make sure eggs were there, and in their right places on their little follicles, I would give my needle-phobic wife a shot in her thigh to set ovulation in process.
Over time, I developed a method where she would look away, close her eyes and cry, while crushing all the bones in my left hand, and I would count to three, and inject her with my right.
After all that romance, you would think that abstaining from sex for a few days would be hard, but you would be wrong. I don’t talk about it much, but I like to think I’m pretty good at taking care of business in the art of sperm production, but I had never entered a room designed specifically for masturbation, while people waited outside, hoping my masturbation went okay. The second step is to tell the front desk staff that you had an accident, which seems horrific. When your sample has been washed and spun, or whatever it is they do with it, they put it in a paper bag that you carry over to the doctor’s office for the procedure. And you see people scream at their kids, and beat them in Kroger, and you just want to die because you would give anything to have a child throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle. And the doctors start talking about Next Steps, and the Next Steps are very expensive, so you try it one more time. And then, while you’re in Kansas on a road trip with a friend, your wife does the IUI with a frozen deposit you left behind. As I write this, the due date is a little over a week away, like a car accident on the road ahead that you’re trying not to look at, that you have to drive by. Leah was scheduled for a D&C, dilation and curettage, under general anesthesia at Christ Hospital right away, so she wouldn’t have to go through the trauma of slowly passing the fetal tissue over the course of a week. But, you know, you pass the car accident and it’s in the rear view, getting further away, and sometimes you don’t even see it anymore. Just to let you know how strong Leah is, she still made the Dean’s List that semester, and she was carrying 18 credit hours.
We started back at the fertility process too soon, in a dumb burst of optimism and courage, and the desire to move forward. The doctor also told us, during one IUI, that while Donald Trump scares him, his wife loves Trump because of the Mexican wall thing.
Through this process, and through both of our lives, neither of us have ever had a home pregnancy test come out positive. And I hope that everything goes well, and I can inundate you with pictures, starting in November. ErrorSorry!This page is currently unavailable while we undergo routine maintenance.We apologize for any inconvenience. And for three years, the couple from the Cincinnati, Ohio found themselves caught in a seemingly endless cycle of struggle and perseverance. There were hormones for Leah. We’ve all heard about someone who got pregnant through 2 condoms, spermicidal lubricant, and an IUD. Along with those hormones came the realization that little-to-none of this would be covered by insurance, and that the coverage rate would go down as we went deeper into the process.
She says she’s not so much afraid of needles as she is afraid of being stuck by me with a needle, but same difference, right?
Perhaps that is what Eddie Murphy’s life was like in Coming to America, but I was less familiar with it. It had a big picture of The Ohio State University football stadium, filled with fans, on the wall over a small vinyl sofa. The people who work at the lab are people who, by my calculations, deal with upwards of 80 men per day who have just masturbated, or are about to, and their sperm. We all know that this is all very silly, and that I just touched my penis, and you are someone’s grandmother, and that even though you have a pin in the shape of a little sperm fella to help break the tension, we all – if we really had the choice – would probably prefer to burst into flames than discuss any part of this, let alone the fact that someone missed. Usually some kind of early 90s Eurotrash boat fantasies, or oily faux-lesbian scissorhands scenes, starring fingernails that made me very nervous. We got a lot of information about support groups that we never went to, but we should have.


Maybe you’ve told yourself enough times that “at least we know we can get pregnant” and “this just means that something was wrong and it’s a good thing.” Maybe you even believe it. Like all our plans, we didn’t start with a plan, but instead decided that if we got pregnant, that would be great. This makes your sample corrupt, which may mean that your partner could end up being impregnated by carpet fibers if I understand correctly, but it is also unsanitary. Lubrication, as it turns out, can mess with the quality of the semen, which seems like a pretty big jerk move on the part of lubrication. But the second line doesn’t appear, or the plus, or the whatever these tests do. So you wait.
Big fat tears of relief. And then you freak out because, to be honest, you talked yourself out of real hope months and months ago, but now you have to get ready for a baby. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead. I’m logical. With a miscarriage, you would have to tell people that someone who will never be born, who they had never heard of and will never meet, but who meant the world to you, is gone. We just wanted to hide. I’m thankful for our families and our friends, who came to sit with us.
This last one, Leah couldn’t bear to look at it herself, so I looked at it while she was in the shower, and told her no, that it was negative.
You can do it at home if you want, but then you are under a clock to get your sample to the lab on time. A clock radio on the side table, tuned to local political talk radio, sputtering away beneath a low-lit lamp, was paired with a little wooden cube that had one tiny drawer, specifically made for storing your collection cup. They smile and look around on their walk, hoping no one notices the bag they have pinched in their fingertips. You get one more ultrasound to make sure everything is in place, and then they pour the gravy all over the giblets.
And it’s negative, but you hope, and you see your friends getting pregnant, and you get a little sad.
You know, the higher you let your hopes up, the further they have to fall. But they told us to relax. Who brought Lea the things she needed, and let me get out of the house to walk around the neighborhood. But you get mad at yourself because you want to feel happy for other people, and that’s not fair to them.
Everything looked great and we were on track, so when we went in for one final scan before being released to our obstetrician a couple weeks later, we were all smiles and jokes. You tell your parents, maybe a close friend, maybe your boss. I was so stunned when it happened that I texted my boss that I wouldn’t be back that day, but that I’d be back the next, which really cracks me up now.
Our doctor told me, privately, that we need to take care of ourselves, but that, if we want to have a baby, we either need to move forward now, or start discussing Next Steps. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone. I hesitate to share this because I don’t want anyone to read this and feel what we felt, watching others’ dreams come true. Some people have found out, or have guessed, and have been very kind to share their own stories with us, and it has helped tremendously to not feel alone. I told the Lord that I would go to camp if he wanted me to go, and that I would let the Bible give me his answer. Picking up my Bible and closing my eyes, I let the Scripture fall open, and then put my finger on a passage. You silence the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, the tumult of the peoples. Those who live at earth’s farthest bounds are awed by your signs; you make the gateways of the morning and the evening shout for joy. Today, I’m beginning a blog series in which I will propose several answers to this question.
I believe, above all, that God has given us the Bible as our supreme guide in matters theological and practical.
Yes, you can visit websites where, for a fee, you will receive personalized guidance that purportedly comes from some immaterial being. But if you’re curious, you can find them easily through Google.)Anyone looking for spiritual guidance?


Some years ago, Barbara Bell, an architectural illustrator from northern California (where else?), operated the world’s only Barbie channeling service. For only $3.00, Bell summoned up the spirit of Barbie to solve the problems of those seeking her advice. I could tell a dozen more stories like this, hundreds if I drew from the experiences of people I have known during my years as a pastor. There is no doubt in my mind that the guidance of the Holy Spirit often comes through the circumstances of our lives.But there is a downside to this kind of guidance. Suppose I had been so convinced that God wanted me to share my faith with the two young women on their way to the party that I managed to worm my way into the festivities, spending the whole night beating my head against the rock of their disinterest, and thereby missing that providential meeting with Matt. So we need to be able to weigh the events of our lives to determine with greater precision how God may be guiding us.I would suggest that Scripture often provides the scales for this kind of discernment. Now before I go further, I should mention that I am a Christian who swims in the Reformed evangelical stream of the Protestant tradition. I believe that the Bible is God’s Word given to us in human words that are, like Christ Himself, both divine and human in a mysterious way. I don’t have time here to explain in detail what I mean by this or even to defend it. They view Christian Scripture as a source of wisdom similar to other sources, like the plays of Shakespeare or Gandhi’s The Story of My Experiments with Truth.
Without denigrating the wisdom found in such writings, I believe that the Bible is uniquely inspired and, therefore, uniquely authoritative, and, therefore, uniquely able to guide us in life.How Does the Bible Guide Us?The Bible provides a reliable yardstick by which to measure our claims to be guided by the Holy Spirit through circumstances or feelings. If, for example, you think that the Spirit is leading you to do something the Bible prohibits, you can be sure that your spiritual lenses have become foggy. Throughout history, people have committed blatant sins under the claim God’s guidance. According to Scripture, adultery is wrong, plain and simple.There is a positive side to scriptural discernment of circumstantial guidance. If events in your life seem to point you in a certain direction, you can be more confident about that direction if it leads you to do that which Scripture affirms.
It’s much more likely that God wants you to turn in the ticket so the rightful owner can use it. But if, on the other hand, events in your life give you an opportunity to share your faith with your neighbor, the fact that Scripture teaches you to do this very thing makes the probability of divine guidance in that direction more likely.The Bible gives us much more than the ability to evaluate the spiritual significance of circumstances.
The Spirit who inspired the biblical writers also works in our hearts to help us understand what God wants to say to us through the Bible. What if your experience and my experience lead to inconsistent conclusions about divine guidance? But the Bible usually refers to God’s will in a more general sense, as that which we all should do with our lives.
If you are tempted with sexual sin, you really don’t have to spend too much time wondering which partner God wants you to fornicate with. I focused especially on the sort of general guidance for our lives that is present throughout the Bible. This sort of thing happens all the time in personal Bible study, in group studies, and when God’s Word is preached. This means that we will tend to mold both the meaning of Scripture and the guidance of the Spirit to fit our preconceived expectations.
Republicans tend to find their political views upheld in Scripture, while Democrats find their convictions in the Bible. The same is true for Libertarians, Greens, and those who don’t vote for religious reasons. People who oppose the ordination of women see Scripture as lined up on their side, while those who support it believe that their view is biblical. The Bible is one of the chief tools employed by the Spirit in this work of mental remodeling.
By so doing, we misunderstand God’s intentions for us and often misconstrue his guidance for our lives.



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