Ramat Aviv, Israel, October 29 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University announced today a startling breakthrough in the fight against Ebola, revealing that the serum they had developed both cures the patient of Ebola and simultaneously gives the patient autism.
Professor Sara Barak, Chairperson of the Immunology Department at the university, made the announcement today at a press conference with her colleagues and Minister of Health Yael German, who called the development the most exciting moment of her tenure. Previous trials of the serum caused the test patients some comfort in relieving the symptoms but were unable to purge the disease entirely from the body.
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Israeli scientists have been trying for more than a decade to piggyback autism on other treatments, and the breakthrough represents an unprecedented achievement for the institution.
Patients were also reported to show symptoms ranging from mild ADHD to Asperger Syndrome, but never showing a full-blown case of autism.


Plans to start production are already in place with Rafa Pharmaceuticals, who will then ship large quantities to the countries hardest hit by the epidemic.
Omar Barghouti, a leader of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement, decried the Israeli breakthrough. Mercury in vaccine sera was never proven effective in causing autism, despite persistent hype that a connection exists. The pathological changes associated with an Ebola infection include, most notably, endothelial disruption, dissiminated intravascular coagulation and multiple organ hemorrhage.
The second, and no less important, issue is how do we make sure these former Ebola patients are affected in such a way that they in fact become autistic?” Spreading autism has been a major policy goal of successive Israeli administrations, beginning with the tenure of Yitzhak Rabin as Prime Minister in the early 1990’s. The new formula, however, both eliminates the Ebola pathogen from the body within two weeks and sets the patient on an irreversible decline into impaired communication, an inability to conduct social interaction, repetitive behavior, and restricted  interests.
We at the UN also feel Israeli breakthroughs in medicine should similarly be investigated, and we are therefore appointing representatives from Sierra Leone and Liberia to monitor Israel’s compliance with international health code standards,” Ban said.


The only documented success is the spread of cable television, the rise of which in the 1980’s enabled the media to entice parents to seat their toddlers and preschoolers in front of the TV for hours at a time, enough to warp the cognitive and emotional development of millions of children. Many more of those children than in previous generational cohorts went on to develop actual autism.
No amount of bathing in the sweet fragrance of Ebola will ever be able to rid the Zionist Entity of the stench of occupation” he added.



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