Confident man graham stoney pdf,meditation,how to find out if he is your soulmate,travelling tips for china - Downloads 2016

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I get my fair share of hate mail on the Internet, which I find unpleasant but not entirely surprising. Being on the receiving end of somebody else's hostility can be stressful, so it's important to be assertive with these people to stop their stress from entering our emotional boundary. Sumelevate Life Coach Sume Chatz recently interviewed me for his video podcast about how I work with my coaching clients to help them heal emotional trauma from the past so they can move on to a happier future. The one thing I didn't mention explicitly was what exactly emotional trauma is: the emotional residue left in our brains and nervous system attached to memories of any emotionally overwhelming past event that we weren't able to fully express and release at the time.
I've been watching a lot of movies lately on the theme of "The Hero's Journey" that every man must take in order to grow from being a boy into being a man. Obviously the reason why this particular movie is so highly rated is that it strikes a chord deep in the soul of everyone who watches it. Want to help other men suffering from prostate cancer and depression, while also boosting your own self-confidence all at the same time? I bought your program just earlier this week and my results have been amazing in the only four days I've used it. Hey guys, it's Graham here again, and today I want to tell you why you should do a theatrical improvisation course. Now, improvisation is an incredibly valuable skill to have, and so I want to tell you why it's so great to be able to improvise as far as self-confidence goes. I've been learning to play the Harry Chapin song, Cats in the Cradle, which really reminds me a lot of my relationship with my father.
But I found him a very difficult man to connect to emotionally, and the line in the song that really hits me is right at the end where the man says, "He's grown up just like me.
Here is a tip for you that’s really going to boost your self-confidence and push you outside your comfort zone and get you doing something completely different that’s also a whole lot of fun. Now, this is a whole lot of fun, and the way you do this is that you hunt around for some amateur theater companies in your local area. I've been watching a lot of movies lately on the theme of "The Hero's Journey" that every man must take in order to grow from being a boyA into being aA man. There is a great conversation in the movie on the topic of hope between Red (Morgan Freeman's character) and Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins), and how hope can be a double-sided coin: on the one hand, hope can help us get through difficult times. Another quote from the movie that really resonates with me is when Dufresne remarks, in a moment of despair: "Bad luck I guess. That pretty much sums up how I felt when I was ill for 8 years with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
But the thing that really hit me most deeply after watching the movie this time around wasn't so much an event or character as a theme: friendship, and particularly the importance of friendship in enduring hard times.
While other people's help and support can be invaluable for navigating difficult times in our lives, ultimately if we are to grow up we need to learn the skills of "self parenting": to offer emotional support to our vulnerable inner child when we are suffering. The emotional centre of our brain develops much earlier than our rational memory does, so very early life events can leave a painful emotional charge with negative beliefs about ourselves very strongly attached, but not connected to any event we can remember. While I can only really speculate about where the pain surrounding friendship for me comes from, fortunately I do know what to do about it: let the sadness and grief flow when it gets triggered.
Maybe that's why The Shawshank Redemption became such a big hit on video after failing at the cinemas: because in the privacy of your own home you can hit the pause button whenever you need to.
Graham struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. This entry was posted in Masculinity and tagged friendship, healing trauma, hope, masculine empowerment, movies, the Shawshank redemption. Everyonea€™s got feelings, but in a crazy-making family everybodya€™s pretending that they dona€™t.
Now, as a child growing up around people that are all walking around pretending the whole time that theya€™re a robot, thata€™s pretty confusing because I knew, for instance, that I had very strong feelings inside and yet the other humans around me were pretending that they didna€™t exist and then they acted in really weird, volatile ways that suggested that actually they did. Crazy-making people kind of pretend that there is no conflict; when there is conflict, they run away and they hide because theya€™re very, very scared. Now, if your parents dona€™t know how to deal with conflict and dona€™t model it for you and your siblings dona€™t know either, then you end up in a sick situation whenever therea€™s any kind of conflict.
So, as human beings, wea€™re always acting out of one of either fear or love; theya€™re our two main driving motivators.
If you had crazy-making parents, you can probably recognize them because they never say a€?I love youa€? because that would be an expression of love. In that case, you treat other people outside the family really well and you treat the people inside the family kind of like crap because theya€™re there all the time and youa€™re kind of annoyed with them and youa€™re kind of over it, you know? Obviously living in a family where therea€™s a denial of feelings, avoidance of conflict, fear instead of love and people are being treated worse in the family than outside, ita€™s going to get stressful after a while; you need a means of escape.
I remember many times my parents would come home from sermons at our local church where the minister preached about love and theya€™d have a screaming argument.
If you really want to fuck with your childa€™s head, what you do is you criticize relentlessly every opportunity that you get.
Whereas encouragement, you dona€™t want to encourage your kid too much because then they might actually start learning to think for themselves, become an independent human being and might go off the rails doing things that you dona€™t really like. When you get punished for being assertive, you learn to be very passive or you just go completely off the deep end because you start going completely mental. If youa€™re in a family that crushed your confidence, thata€™s going to be real crazy-making.
I recently had a mother whose rather controlling say to me, a€?I dona€™t want my son to have self-confidence.
If youa€™re a parent and you want to really screw with your kida€™s head, then just try and control and manipulate their behavior all the time rather than encouraging them to actually go and explore the world, find out what they like, find out whata€™s real, whata€™s true, go explore and treat life as a big adventure. Well, youa€™ve got pretty much Buckleya€™s chance of changing the family that you grew up in, and thata€™s probably years ago now if youa€™re an adult anyway.
Grab a copy of The Confident Man Program, read it, implement it, start taking action and you can actually bust out of the crazy-making situation that your family indoctrinated you into when you were a kid. This entry was posted in Family and tagged assertiveness, conflict, crazy, crazy-making, family, family systems.
And now I live a life where my new parents relationship affected me positively and my new marriage is filled with I love you- and appreciation.
Thanks Nancy; it's awesome to hear how you've outgrown the relationship patterns in your family of origin. Ia€™ve literally just finished reading this great book that I really want to recommend to you called The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz subtitled Learning to Become a Creative Force in Your Own Life. Here'sA what Ia€™ve found fascinating about this book: Firstly, he outlines that most of us spend a lot of our lives living in what he calls the reactive responsive orientation, and what happens in this orientation is that generally wea€™re moving between what we dona€™t want and what we do want all the time.
Essentially what happens in most of our life is that wea€™re either moving away from pain or wea€™re moving towards pleasure; away from what we dona€™t want and towards what we do want. The problem with this is that the motivation that we have to move away from pain depends on the amount of pain that wea€™re currently experiencing, and our motivation towards pleasure depends on the amount of pleasure that we think we can experience. So what happens is that we stop moving away from the thing thata€™s causing us pain and over time we start sliding back towards it until we start feeling the pain again and then we start moving again back towards pleasure.
So youa€™re always oscillating and just moving back and forth, and you never really get out of this cycle because you can never totally get to what you really want because once you get there youa€™ve lost the pain completely thata€™s been motivating you and therefore you just start backsliding again.
So the way to get out of reactive responsive mode is to get into creative mode, and in creative mode what happens is that you work out a vision.
So youa€™re not creating something in order to solve some kind of problem or get some kind of pleasure out of it; youa€™re just creating for the sheer sake of the creative process. So the more creating that you do, the easier it is that you find the whole creative process because youa€™ve come to master the process, you know what the ups and downs are, you understand the pitfalls and you no longer get put off when things maybe dona€™t go your way first up, which is often what happens.
Now, according to Fritz, the key to understanding this creative process is to understand tension.
So once we get further and further towards what we want, we lose the pull towards working towards what we want and therefore we get pulled back towards the pain that we dona€™t want. So what happens in the creative process is that as soon as we establish our creative vision for what it is that we want to create, therea€™s now an immediate contrast between the current reality where we dona€™t have the thing that we want to create and our creative vision of what we do want to create. This creates tension, and tension is sometimes an unpleasant experience and there is some unpleasantness associated with this fact that we dona€™t yet have the thing that we want to create. Now, rather than getting all preoccupied with the process of getting from our current reality to what we want to create, all we have to do is establish this vision of what it is that we want to create and then life circumstances and our own innate drives and other peoplea€™s contributions will start working towards moving us from our current reality towards the thing it is that we want to create. Now, of course, it doesna€™t always work just seamlessly and painlessly; therea€™s a lot of effort involved in the creative process. Now, the really interesting thing about this book is that it teaches you how to apply the creative process not just to create works of art or music or writing or whatever creative artists generally do, but it teaches you how to use that same process in your own life. And once again, the idea is that you establish a creative vision for what you would like your life to be about, you recognize the current reality of where it is that youa€™re currently coming from and all you have to do each day is take one single step.
And because you are inspired to create it, you will naturally be encouraged and inspired to take each step that is required along the journey from your current reality to the thing that you want to create without being overly preoccupied by what the process is. Now, you dona€™t even need to know what the process is of creating the thing that you want to create when you establish your creative vision.
The more specific you can be about your vision, the easier ita€™s going to be to know when you get there, but there are a lot of details that you dona€™t have to work out when you establish this creative vision. Now, this process isna€™t going to be trivial the first time you go to apply it, but essentially the more often you establish and learn and apply the creative process, the easier it becomes.
So I highly recommend that you get this book called The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz. This entry was posted in Life Skills and tagged confidence, creativity, lifestyle, robert fritz, the path of least resistance. My friend have me a cup with The Universe Knows Everything and he is a go with the flow kind of person. The one thing I didn't mention explicitly was what exactly emotional trauma is: the emotional residue left in our brains and nervous system attached to memories ofA any emotionally overwhelming past event that we weren't able to fully express and releaseA at the time.
Leta€™s have a bit of a chat about a massive topic that undermines self-confidence and that is called shame.
I had a lot of mixed feelings this morning after hearing of the executions in Indonesia of convicted drug smugglers Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran overnight. I didn't know Andrew or Myuran; my only real association with them is via the media, and the fact that I grew up in the same city they did.
All it takes is for mum to walk in and say, "What's wrong with you, you stupid creature?" and, bang, next round of World War III is back on again. What I learned from all this was the idea that anger was somehow a bad thing, that it was a bad emotion that I should never feel, because it always seemed to be expressed destructively around me. In fact, I can't remember in that entire time a single class where I sat down and had a teacher teach me how my emotions work. Now, possibly maybe in art classes or in music classes or maybe even in English they might've come close, but really nothing all that direct and concrete. So in the rest of this article, I'm going to give you a quick introduction into how your emotions work. An empathy buddy is a great way to receive some non-judgmental emotional support from another person, without having to spend big dollars on therapy. An empathy buddy isn't a replacement for a therapist; if you have emotional wounds from the past that are causing you fear or anxiety in your day-to-day life, get a therapist. Hey, ita€™s Graham here, and today youa€™re going to learn about how to express anger constructively. Hey there, ita€™s Graham here from The Confident Man Project, and today you are going to learn all about the importance of expressing how you feel. And so I want to really advocate for the idea of you expressing how you feel in any moment. Hey guys, I read a lot of books on personal development and as a result of that ita€™s pretty rare nowadays that I come across a book that contains brand new concepts or ideas that Ia€™ve never heard of before. Because I really believe that if you want to make a lasting change in your life, then you need to deal with emotions and particularly the emotions that we have been avoiding feeling in the past and all that business thata€™s repressed in our subconscious.
And I notice that a lot of people who struggle with self-confidence, particularly a lot of guys, have programmed themselves to totally avoid all failure in their life, and I totally used to be like this. Learning to embrace failure is a huge concept that you'll learn by learning how to improvise. The key to conversation skills is to learn how to pick up things that are happening in the environment.
And in theatrical improvisation, this is exactly what they teach because they'll teach you totally to be connected with the current moment, to be working with the other actors and to relate to what's going on around you. This entry was posted in Self Esteem and tagged Improv, improvisation, perfectionism, self-confidence, theater, theatre, theatrical improvisation. Hey guys, ita€™s Graham here, and I want to talk about the five states of self-confidence so that you can build your confidence more quickly. Now, you probably recognize shame as a feeling of embarrassment or as a feeling of inhibitionA that holds you back from doing things sometimes, and ita€™s often accompanied by the thought in your head of a€?What are people going to think? Hey there, ita€™s Graham from The Confident Man Project again, and today I want to give you my number 1 tip for building your confidence with women, for getting exercise, for just having a lot of fun. Now, for me, I want to all boysa€™ high school where playing rugby and getting your head kicked in was kind of the way to be the macho man and be a bit of a hero, and the whole idea of dancing sounding a bit kind of gay to me, to be honest. Now, the way that your subconscious works and that your emotions work are that any time you have a event that happens with a strong emotional response, in particular an emotional response thata€™s too strong for you to deal with at the time, we end up with a traumatic memory stored deep in our subconscious. Hey there, it's Graham from The Confident Man Project, and today I want to talk about how to be successful. Hey there, it's Graham from The Confident Man Project again and coming at you with another tip for building your confidence, this week by looking at what's going on in the voices inside your head.
So underpinning all this, what I want to suggest is it's a great idea to develop an attitude of gratitude.

The whole purpose of this channel is to help you to self-actualise and become the confident man that you were always intended to be. I highly recommend that you grab yourself a copy of The Confident Man Program, it's got all my condensed wisdom on how to go from where you don't want to be to where you do want to be all packed into one easy-to-read guide. It's time to take control of your life, and start building the confidence to give you the life that you've always wanted. Confidence, or more precisely self-confidence, is an awareness that you have the ability to rise to whatever challenge life throws at you. We start out in life by inheriting the confidence of our parents, plus or minus a little depending on our personality and individual disposition. Emotional wounds from early life can have a profoundly detrimental effect on our self confidence and our ability to be successful in life.
Even wounds that we're unaware of or reluctant to acknowledge can still strongly effect us because they operate on the unconscious or subconscious level. Often deep emotional wounds that we may be unaware of are at the heart of our ongoing suffering.
This entry was posted in Emotions and tagged byron katie, counselling, emotional healing, meditation, mens work, mindfulness, somatic experiencing, trauma. Having an empathy buddy gives you a safe environment to explore feelings that may otherwise undermine your self-confidence, since your buddyA gives you permission to feel how you feel without telling you that you're wrong or should be different. Firstly, you find someone to be your buddy and agree that the purpose of your meetings is to exchange non-judgmental empathy based on feelings and needs.
I find it particularly powerful to work with an empathy buddy who is also a man; this helps restore ourA trust in other men's willingness and ability to treat yourA feelings with respect. Remember to check where in the world your empathy buddy resides, and find a mutually agreeable time using the TimeAndDate meeting planner. An empathy exchange is not a time for idle conversation or chit-chat; you can potentially do this as well in a single interaction, but make sure you're very clear when you're doing the empathy exchange and when you're just socializing. During the main sharing part set a timer to go off 5 minutes before the end of the time so the talker knows when to start wrapping up. Use words that describe emotions directly, like happy, sad, angry, upset, scared, anxious, furious, despondent.
The emotional parts of our brain are primitive and child-like, so it's probably better to say that you're frightened or scared than use more adult words like anxious. You may feel emotions arising unexpectedly which may be frightening if you're not used to receiving non-judgmental empathy.
Your role as the listener is to provide a safe, non-judgemental space for the talker to share in while you identify how they are feeling and what they need.
Where X is one of the feelings and Y is one of the needs listed in the appendix of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. The talker will generally clarify whether you are accurate, if not correct you, and then continue sharing how they are feeling.
You don't always have to stick to the exact formula; try to vary it a bit so the talker doesn't feel like they're talking to a robot. Identifying feelings and needs may be new for you since we're not educated to communicate in this way, so cut yourself some slack if you get it a€?wronga€?. You are not obligated to meet the needs of the talker; your role is simply to identify what they are. Your buddy may go through a range of emotions that they have not previously been comfortable sharing, and that you may not be entirely comfortable hearing. Don't coach your buddy, offer solutions or advice, or attempt to help fix their problems for them. Getting empathy can trigger strong emotions that you may not previously have felt in full force. Your relationship with your empathy buddy may go through all the normal ups and downs of a regular relationship or friendship.
Sharing feelings is the basis of all close relationships, so don't be surprised if you end up feeling close to your buddy. Beware of becoming overly intimate with your empathy buddy, especially at the expense of your primary relationship. If you'd like some empathy and want to line up an empathy buddy, visit this thread in the forums. I have always expressed myself emotionally (except for a few times, generally the worst times) and that has attracted other emotives into my life and we share.
Many people aren't good at expressing their anger cleanly, and some of them choose to channel it into hate mail directed at me.
And today I want to talk to you about changing your appearance because if there's one thing that makes a big difference to our confidence it's making a big change in our appearance and then going out in the world and experiencing what happens when we do that and how other people respond to us.
I've been particularly drawn to movies that talk about hope and masculine empowerment, such as The Shawshank Redemption which is currently rated number one on the IMDB list of the top 250 movies.
I've seen it several times before, but this time it's struck some nerves with me that hadn't quite been hit before. My confidence is booming and I can't wait to see where I'll be in the time I've gone through it all. Now, you may have heard of theatrical improvisation or improve or theater sports or theater games, and they all refer to the underlying concept of improvising. Of course, the first reason why you should do theatrical improvisation is it's simply a lot of fun. On the other hand, hope can also give us a painful reminder of everything that we are missing out on so much.
At one point I found myself sobbing deeply as I felt the grief over my own struggles and losses around friendship. Maybe I had some traumatic experience in my very early interactions with other people who left me feeling that friendship is fraught with danger. He created The Confident Man Program to help other men overcome similar problems and live the life of their dreams. I thought, a€?Wow, thata€™s a fantastic description.a€? Take a perfectly normal infant child, bring them up in a crazy-making family and youa€™ve pretty much got a recipe for insanity. Wea€™re all walking around like emotional robots pretending that we dona€™t have feelings, and yet still responding to the feelings that are going on inside us, just without ever acknowledging them.
And people who dona€™t know how to deal with conflict either respond by becoming very aggressive or by becoming very submissive, either of which is going to really mess with your head over time.
The family I grew up in, my parents were really quite kind to other people, did a lot of community service, helped a lot of other people out, were always doing good work that made them look and feel good. One of the most valuable skills a human being can have in the modern world is assertiveness, which is basically the ability to say what you want and how you feel to other people, which gives you a much greater chance that you will get what you want from other people and that your feelings will be validated and that youa€™ll feel like a real life human being instead of that emotional robot you were trained to in step number 1. So if youa€™re a parent and you want crazy-making kids, then definitely punish them any time they stand up to you and say what they want and just make that bad, evil and wrong, and thata€™ll be a real beauty. Crazy-making families instead use control and manipulation to try and make you do what they want rather than allowing you to learn what you want or giving you the skills to work out how to make what you want happen.
If you need help with this, contact meA and leta€™s talk about how you can bust out of your crazy-making family.
And my children's expression of love towards me is really good as is my expression to them.
And wea€™re doing this in problem-solving mode a lot of time, so wea€™re trying to solve the problems in our lives in order that we can get what it is that we think will make us happy. And what happens is that as we begin to experience less pain and more pleasure, the drive towards getting what we want actually reduces because the amount of pain that we feel from not having what we want also reduces because wea€™re moving further away from it. If youa€™re overweight and you want to lose weight and you work really, really hard, you lose some weight and then you start getting the body that you want, the shape that you want, the weight that you want, you forget about dieting and start eating crap again and then you just put the weight back on.
Like, you have a vision in your head of what it is that you want to create and the idea is that youa€™re creating this thing simply because youa€™re a creative being and youa€™re in touch with your creativity and you just want to create it.
Now, tension is whata€™s driving us towards what we want and away from what we dona€™t want in the reactive responsive orientation, and tension is the reason why that situation can never really resolve to give us what we want because the pull towards what we want is always pulling against the pull away from the pain that wea€™re experiencing. By contrast, in the creative process wea€™re not trying to move away from anything or towards anything; wea€™re simply trying to create what it is that we have envisaged in our mind. But what happens in the creative process is that the tension between the current reality and what we want to create pulls us from the current reality towards the thing that we want to create. Whenever a creative person has some vision of what it is that they want to create, they naturally find that the forces in their life then start conspiring towards actually creating that thing that theya€™re looking for. But that effort is inspired by this vision that we have of the thing that we want to create and what it will be like once we have that. Just take the next step to move you from your current reality towards the vision of what it is that you are inspired to create.
Often an artist doesna€™t know exactly how a picture is going to turn out when they start painting; they just have a vague idea in their mind about what it is they want to create and the rest of it just comes to them in the process.
And in addition to just talking about it, I reckon that therea€™s a book you should read about it, which is this one: Ita€™s called Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, and ita€™s an absolute classic in the area of dealing with this nasty substance called toxic shame. For readers outside Australia and not familiar with the case, they were sentenced to death in 2006 by an Indonesian court after being found guilty of attempting to smuggle more than eight kilograms of heroin to Australia via Bali.
He bottles his anger up so badly that he often seethes with resentment so loud that I can hear him muttering under his breath when I'm playing in the next room. I had 18 years of formal education - that's 12 years of primary and high school, and then another six years at university studying engineering - and during that time, I learnt a lot about how to think but very little about how to feel or how my emotions worked. But if you're looking for another way to expand your emotional vocabulary, reduce your emotional isolation or manage feelings of shame you may have about your emotions, an empathy buddy can be a great way to do it. I suggest talking to your empathy buddy on a regular basis, such as every week or fortnight. So anger is an emotion thata€™s perfectly normal and natural thing for a human being to have, and like any emotion it can be expressed in a way thata€™s constructive for you and the people around you and it can also be expressed in a way that is destructive for you and the people around you, or it can be suppressed which is another destructive way of handling anger. Now, as guys, often we dona€™t get taught how to do this, we dona€™t learn how to do this, we dona€™t practice how to do this; we just tend to keep our feelings to ourselves a lot of the time and this is a massive problem because when we bottle up our emotions inside, we are prone to all sorts of horrible things like illness and depression and just unhappiness and frustration and it makes it hard to connect with other people, particularly with women who just love having an emotional connection with you. So what Ia€™m looking for in the books that I read now is more a matter of how they affect me, like how they make me feel.
So you want to reverse that trend, and theatrical improvisation is a great place to do that because as the teacher in my class told me yesterday you want to fail big. Another thing that you'll learn at theatrical improvisation is the art of conversation skills.
If you're talking to a girl for instance, you might talk about something that she's wearing or something that's happening around you, to be totally present in that environment and learn how to pick up on things that are going on around you. You'll also improve your communication skills with people, you'll improve your ability to act with people and to really be present in the situation, which is really what it means to be self-confident, you know, to be comfortable in yourself and to be comfortable in any kind of situation that you find yourself.
You don't have to worry about being serious all the time and getting things right all the time and being perfect all the time. Now, all of us go through these different states of various different points in our life and at different times during the day, but ita€™s useful to recognize what state youa€™re currently at so that you can know what it is that you should do in order to move yourself to a higher state where ultimately youa€™ll feel more confident. Now, if youa€™re interested in making some serious inroads into boosting your self-confidence, then youa€™ve come to the right place because what I want to do is talk about the number 1 factor that undermines our self-confidence the most.
And today I want to talk about a serious subject which is the weighty topic of getting some emotional healing, if you need it. This is not always an easy thing to do, but the times when it is most difficult tend to be the times when it's most useful.
And therea€™s a little trick here that Ia€™ve worked out that I want to share with you which I think is kind of important.
The reason for that is that it doesna€™t really matter what you say to people when you first meet them.
So if you've come from the place where I used to be where you've got low self-esteem, chronic anxiety, panic attacks, just struggles dealing with life, particularly relating to women, and life in general is not going the way that you want, well this is the place to be. It also comes with a whole heapA of bonuses where I interview a bunch of experts on all sorts of topics which will help you build your self-esteem, become a more confident man and leave a greater mark on the world. If you don't have self-confidence, you feel insecure with low self-esteem and poor relationships; especially with women. The key to increasing confidence is to take action consistently to expand your comfort zone. It is the single most important asset that a man can possess, because it determines how you respond to challenges that impact how well everything else in your life goes.
These wounds can lead to self-sabotaging behaviour that may be obvious to other people, while we remain oblivious to what's going on. Fortunately my good friend Peter Saxon is an expert on dealing with exactly this problem in men's lives, and I recently seized the opportunity to interview him on the topic. NVC is a style of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg with the aim that everyone can get their needs met by communicating feelings and needs clearly and directly. I believe that healing unresolved feelings, especially when there is shame involved, requires us to connect to another consciousness; and an empathy buddy can help us do just that. They don't need to have the same issues as you; anyone willing to follow the guidelines who you think you can trust will do. Log on to The Confident Man Forums and post a message in this thread saying that you are looking for an empathy buddy, or contact someone who has already posted via private message.
I recommend using a video call if you're both comfortable with it; but if one of you is not comfortable emoting on camera, just go with voice. I wouldn't really recommend going any longer, as it can get exhausting and one of the goals is to learn to get to your feelings as quickly and concisely as possible. Stick to the structure; it helps you both relax into how you're feeling and what you're needing. It doesn't really matter who goes first since you'll swap over later, but you just need to be clear which role you are in.

As Marshal Rosenberg says, "We don't heal by talking about the past; we heal by talking about what's alive in us right now, stimulated by the past". Avoid dramatic judgements like saying that you a€?burst into tearsa€?, and don't try to suppress the tears either.
Don't worry if you're not clear, as the listener's role is to clarifyA this from what you're saying.
Don't shy away from the feelings by rationalizing or going into story about something else.
If it's an emergency and you desperately need a lot of empathy, try to say so at the beginning so the listener knows they may not get to share this time. Their feelings may change during the exchange, in which case you pick up on the new feelings and the needs behind them. Always remember it's all about feelings and needs, and try to communicate what you're hearing clearly.
Some needs may end up being met during the exchange itself; for instance the need to be heard, to be taken seriously, or to feel understood. Notice when you're triggered emotionally by what the other person shares and share your feelings with them during your turn as speaker or during your final checkout. If they start to cry for instance, it's because they've contacted some pain or grief that they are now healing.
If the talker seems stuck in story or is going around in circles without identifying feelings, interrupt them gently to ask them a€?How are you feeling right now about this?a€? If you get impatient or bored, it could be a sign that the talker is avoiding feelings or it could indicate painful feelings of your own that you need empathy for when it's your turn to talk.
If your buddy triggers strong feelings, share them in your next empathy exchange and request empathy for them. I've even experienced feelings of jealousy hearing my buddy talk about her other empathy buddies!
If you have a partner, consider having a weekly empathy exchange with them where you follow this same structure. If you'd like me to be your empathy buddy so the whole focus of a session is on you, contact me for coaching. Never heard it suggested before yet when I read this I realised most of my life I have had an empathy buddy. Movember is about raising funds and awareness for men's health, specifically prostate cancer and depression. You'll get out there, you're mixing with some really cool people, you're doing stuff that's just coming into your head spontaneously and it's a really great space to be in. Well, I’m talking about auditioning for a play or a musical, getting up on stage and performing, doing a bit of a performance in front of your friends and your family. They put on plays, they put on musicals where people get up and sing and just have a whole lot of fun. So the way you do this is you look around to find what amateur theater companies are operating in your area. But as Dufresne remarks in another conversation: "You're either busy living, or you're busy dying". Did I simply forget the times that they did call and only remember the lonely days in bed when they did not? Although I've always been able to make friends in every environment and situation that I found myself, I've often felt a sense that real friendship was difficult or allusive to attain. That would make sense given that I am a highly sensitive person and I grew up in an emotionally avoidant family, and my resulting choice to keep my own feelings to myself would have made establishing friendships all the more difficult. So there were several points while watching the movie where I hit the pause button and just sobbed and let my whole body convulse as the grief flowed out of me.
Now, this kind of messes with a childa€™s head because when you acted out of fear all the time, all that happens is youa€™re just having more fear instilled in you and this is completely crazy-making in the end and a total recipe for massive amounts of anxiety down the track.
But the way they treated each other and the other people in their family, particularly when they were upset, was shit. In fact, I had one of my family members say to me the other day, a€?Graham, I think youa€™re only doing this because you want to feel good about yourself.a€? As if feeling good about yourself is a bad thing. The idea that you dona€™t want to have a big head, you dona€™t want to feel proud, you dona€™t want to feel good about yourself; yeah, thata€™ll really fuck with your head. Now, sure enough, this kid has grown up completely lacking self-confidence, has no idea what he wants to do with his life and is basically very, very timid. So if you grew up in a crazy-making family and you want to bust out of your box that they put you in and you want to actually have a life that you enjoy rather than one thata€™s kind of shit, then I highly recommend that you get onto The Confident Man Project. The big problem for me has been shame; I was ashamed of the fact that even at age 46, I felt unsafe around my mother. Finding Andrew and someone who gave me the time and space and 100% support to first find my mission in life, and then devote tirelessly to seeing my ideas and dreams come to fruition has been amazing. But essentially the idea is that if you orient your whole life towards a creative process, then what will happen is that your life becomes much more fulfilling in the long-term and you establish momentum. Because my question to myself is 'How good can it get' which is better than the 'I should change this or be that' Love it. Their arrest in Bali came after a tip-off by an Australian lawyer to the Australian Federal Police was relayed to Indonesian authorities.
Now, if you dona€™t do this, you can end up repressing your anger and that can lead to a whole heap of problems in your life, in your relationships, your health can suffer.
The first one is to suppress it, pretending you dona€™t feel angry and just push that emotion down. Ia€™m feeling happy and Ia€™m feeling frustrated and Ia€™m feeling a bit pissed off and irritated and, you know, all this stuff is going on inside me all at once and ita€™s very unhealthy to just keep all that stuff bottled down inside.
A lot of us have been programmed through our upbringing, our childhood, schooling, not to fail, that failure is a bad thing, that you get punished for failure.
A lot of guys I find worry about what they're going to say in conversation, and once you've learnt to improvise the problem completely goes away. You get to completely let go of those ideas because, really, they hold you back, not only when you're trying to improvise, but they hold you back any time that you're doing anything where you really just want to relax and be yourself. So have a look around at your local community college or your local arts center or actors' studio in your city, and have a look for any kind of theatrical improvisation or introduction to acting improvisation courses. And ita€™s an interesting one because very, very few people are even prepared to talk about it.
In the animal kingdom, a lot of animals use dance as a way of attracting their mate, and a lot of that same programming is built into the brains of human beings as well. Now what tends to happen to us in life is invariably we go through a series of events, some of which are great and some of which are not so good, and some of the ones which are not so good can be so heavy that theya€™re really traumatic and they leave us with some kind of emotional scarring deep down in our psyche that hangs around and affects us for the rest of our life until we get to the point where wea€™re ready to deal with this stuff.
If you want to be successful, I suspect you take tips from somebody who's already really successful.
So the reason why starting conversations with strangers is important is that ita€™s in conversations and our social skills that our confidence is most important and is most obvious to other people.
Great challenges always involve great opportunities, but it's only through having confidence in yourself that you are able to see and take advantage of these opportunities.
Yet we keep encountering similar painful experiences in life over and over, unable to pinpoint what's causing this pattern or how to break out of it.
Like any relationship, it may take a little while to feel fully comfortable with your empathy buddy, but following the guidelines below will help you build trust and rapport together more quickly.
Showing empathy is also a core skill for relating to other people so it's a great thing to learn and practice in its own right. The important thing is to identify how you're feeling and what you need because this activates the emotional center of the brain which will help relieve your stress. We've been conditioned to believe that crying is a sign of weakness and many of us have suppressed this emotion to the detriment of our health.
If you experience feelings of fear or shame around getting the reflection wrong, share that with your partner during your turn as talker so you can get empathy to heal the fear of getting things wrong that many of us have.
Avoid criticizing, making them wrong, problem-solving, offering suggestions, telling them it's all going to be OK or trying to fix things for them. If you still feel these feelings later, come back to them in a future empathy exchange to get some empathy for them yourself.
Allow them the space to cry for as long as it takes, bearing in mind the time agreement between you. If you find yourself wanting to fix them, or they ask for advice, identify the feeling they're experiencingA and what they may be needing. I believe that empathy is the key healing ingredient in all effective therapies, but your empathy buddy isn't a therapist. If your buddy gets defensive or critical, share how you felt in that moment and ask them simply to identify your feelings and needs.
We've also had exchanges where we shared our feelings about the relationship itself and triggers that made us feel unsafe with each other, so we could get empathy to resolve our projections onto each other and establish a deeper level of trust.
Did I miss out on more support because my rugged sense of self-reliance meant that I failed to ask for it?
The pain and sadness that I feel around this isn't attached to any particular person, place, event or time; it feels much broader and deeper than that. Now, obviously humans living in the same environment, like a family, are going to get into conflict over time. And youa€™d think it might be the other way around, that you would treat the people who are closest and dearest to you better than you would treat strangers because, after all, family comes first, right?
All you have to do is take off every Sunday to church and sit in the pews and learn stuff about beliefs that have been made up by other people thousands of years ago. Well, thata€™s sort of understandable given a mother whose attitude is a€?I dona€™t want you to have self-confidencea€?. Communicating that to her has helped me overcome it, even though her response was yet more criticism. And the way out of that cycle is instead of trying to move away from what you dona€™t want, what you do is you decide to create what you want in your life. The court found Andrew and Myuran to be the ringleaders of the group often described in the Australian press as "The Bali Nine". And that's why I'm going to recommend - instead of listening to me - that you read this book by Richard Branson called Losing My Virginity.
If youa€™re nervous and insecure or edgy when you meet somebody, particularly a woman, theya€™re going to sense that and theya€™re going to feel like, a€?Ia€™m bit uncomfortable about talking to this person.a€? Youa€™re not going to come across as very confident. Over the course of a year, you'll find yourself becoming more outgoing, more social, more confident, more popular; and more attractive. But an innate sense of self-confidence will make it much easier for you to learn to play a guitar, because you'll feel more positive about the likelihood of success and less worried about failure.
Many of us get stuck in our stories too easily and this allows us to avoid the feelings we need to get in touch with to heal. If your tears shut down out of fear of what the listener might think, you're experiencing shame, so express the emotion behind this by saying so: a€?Now I'm feeling ashamed of crying in front of youa€?. If you find yourself needing a lot of emergency empathy that's preventing mutual sharing with your buddy, that's a sign that you might benefit from getting a therapist or coach who can focus entirely on your needs.
Avoid trying to rescue of fix the situation for them either during or after the empathy exchange.
A big issue may require empathy over several sessions or with several buddies to fully heal. Don't expect them to solve your problems for you and don't rely on them as your sole means of emotional support. Your buddy may trigger feelings in you that aren't their fault or they may need time to learn how to offer empathy effectively. Perhaps it goes back to an event that first happened when I was so young that I can't remember any of the specific details of it. It gives you a nice little stress relief from the actual stress of living with real human beings at home. Their case had received a great deal of coverage during their trail and leading up to their impending executions, with many pleas for clemency being made on the basis that they appeared to have rehabilitated and been model inmates during nearly 10 years on death row. Now, today I want to talk about the first one of those, which is suppressing your anger, and why we do that and why ita€™s not a good idea and what you can do about it. You want to embrace failure because once you've learnt how to fail gracefully, you have the key to success in your hand. And often we're at the mercy of this sort of emotional roller-coaster effect where our moods are just swinging all over the place by what happens to us in life.
Every skill that you acquire has the potential to build your self-confidence, and this general sense of confidence begins to spill over into other areas of your life.
Even then, healing tends to happen in layers so the same issue may come up on a deeper level later on.
When you get this right, it can trigger your brain into releasing the pent-up energy behind the emotion, which can leave you feeling lighter. If you do end up meeting other needs they have outside the empathy exchange, be clear on what needs of your own you are meeting in doing so. If you feel unsafe or it doesn't seem to be working, find another buddy who can offer empathy in a way that makes you feel safe. It may also be quite tiring though, especially if you're not used to it, so be prepared for this.

Best gift for someone you love
Art of mindfulness

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  3. MAMBO — 30.04.2015 at 23:34:53 Just sitting and respiration within joined 7-eight completely different vipassana india and.
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