\nYou head over to the only cashier available. He's an middle aged man and looks friendly enough.\n<<if $gender gte 7 & $desiredgender eq "girl" >>\n"Hello..s-ma'am..." The cashier hesitated. He imperceptibly narrowed his eyes at you, scanning the panties. If you hadn't been so focused on reading his every movement, just like he was to you, you may not have even noticed. But he's judging you, Lord, is he judging.\n<<else if $gender gte 5 & $desiredgender eq "genderqueer" >>\n"Hello..s-ma'am..." The cashier hesitated. He imperceptibly narrowed his eyes at you, scanning the panties. If you hadn't been so focused on reading his every movement, just like he was to you, you may not have even noticed. But he's judging you, Lord, is he judging.\n\n<<else if $gender gte 4 & $desiredgender eq "genderanarchist">>\n"Hello..s-ma'am..." The cashier hesitated. He imperceptibly narrowed his eyes at you, scanning the panties. You cooly glare back, and grab your underwear. Fucking old people, always being so goddamn judgemental.\n<<else if $gender gte 5>>\n"Hello, //sir//." He drags out the "sir" as he scans the panties. The look of disgust on his face tells you everything you need to know. God damn it, you hate this feeling.\nYou knew this was coming, but it still makes you cringe.\n<<else>>\n"Hello." He smiles pleasantly and scans your panties. That's weird. You were expecting some disapproval or-- \n"I bet your girl is going to love these. Have a good day, sir."\n\nOh.\n<<endif>>\n\nYou thank him and [[go to your car]].
<<if $store eq "near">>\nFinally, it's done. Now you can [[head back to your house.]]\n<<else>>\nFinally, it's done. Now you can [[return to your house.]]\n<<endif>>
You scan your panties, but something goes wrong. You [[try again.]]
Here you are. Awkwardly standing in the menswear, your heart threatening to choke you. But you play it cool. You have to. This is what you came for.\n\n[[Look at the selection.]]
As you look through the underwear, you see a pack of boxerbriefs in your favorite colors. Score. \n\n<<if $store eq "near">>\nYou pick them up when suddenly a voice call your birth name. You freeze up, men's underwear in hand.\n\n"Hey, girl, how you been?"\n\nCourtney. The most awful person you've ever had the displeasure to meet. Next to her stands her big beefy asshole of a boyfriend.\n\nShit.\n\nWhat do you respond?\n\n"[[Um, do I know you?]]"\n"[[Fuck you!]]"\n"[[Hello..]]"\n\n<<else>>\n[[Time to check out.]]\n\n<<endif>>
<<silently>>\n<<if $gender gt 2>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 3>>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nIt's disgusting you, isn't it? Maybe a closer shave will do the trick. You take some time to give yourself a shave and [[go shower]].
Shit. The scanner isn't working. You look around. There's an old attendant who catches your eye.\n\n<<if $gender gte 2>>\n\n"[[Having trouble, ma'am?]]"\n\n<<else if $gender lt 2 & $gender gt -6>>\n"[[Having trouble, s-ma-- Need help?]]"\n\n<<else>>\n"[[Having trouble, sir?]]"\n\n<<endif>>
Courney looks shocked. "Of course you do! We were in math together remember? We did our homework together!" By which, of course, she meant copy yours. She gives you a hug, violating your personal space. You [[stand limply.]]\n
A Passing Glance\n
That explains it.\n\n"Causing trouble, boys?" he says as you stand up. \n\nOne of your assaulters laughs breezily. "No, sir, we were just helping him."\n\nThat was a lie. You know it. The officer knows it. But he simply nods. \n\n"All right. Take it easy."\n\nThe gang disbands, but not before one of them punches you in the ribs. You double over, [[struggling to breathe.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = 0 >>\n<<endsilently>> \nIs it a band? A brand? We just don't know. But do we even care? \n\n[[Good choice.]]
It's dark. You're understandably very, very nervous. Hands shaking, you fumble with the pump. Behind you you hear people talking; you see them out of the corner of your eye.\n\nThere's about six of them. \n\n<<if $gender lte 3>>\nYou find yourself praying, an act you haven't done since you realized the church hates scum like you. //Please don't let this be how I die//, you think.\n\n[[Finish pumping.]]\n\n<<else if $gender gt 3>>\nYou take a deep breath and tighten your grip on the pump. Are they coming closer? It seems like it.\n\n"[[Aren't you a little young to be out so late?]]"\n<<endif>>
Hm, it doesn't seem to be working. You look around for anyone who can [[help you]].
For now, it's time to tuck. We wouldn't want to be given away by a bulge. It hurts, too. The medical tape sticks where you don't want it and you literally have to shove your external appendages back from where they came. Good thing you're buying panties today. It seems to make tucking a lot easier. \n\nNow [[finish dressing]], you have shopping to do.\n
<<silently>>\n<<if $gender lt -4>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 2 >>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 1 >>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nWell, it's not like 12 year olds don't exist. Doesn't matter if you're older, it's not like you're buying alcohol.\n\nIt's time to [[go shower]].\n\n
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = -1 >>\n<<endsilently>>\nDamn, that's a fine ass sweater.\n\n[[Good choice.]]
<<if $store eq "near">>\n\n"Hey, faggot."\n\nYou spoke too soon.\n\nShit shit shit, it's Brett. Fuck, this guy. You hate this guy.\nIt's almost laughable how cliche he is. Lumbering, threatening.\nBully doesn't seeem like the right word, it's so childish.\nHe's more of a predator, ready to suck your happiness out of your hands.\n\n[[Ignore him.]]\n"[[What do you want?]]"\n\n<<else if $store eq "far">>\n\nAll right, now it's time to [[head to self-checkout]] or [[go to a cashier]].\n\n\n<<endif>>
Out of bed and on your feet. You've got to shower first. But first, choose your outfit.\n\n[[Sweater up.]] It's about two sizes too big and knit. The obnoxious pattern will distract from your body. \n\n[[A pink V-neck.]] It's slightly tight. Your chest may be flat but your waist sort of shows. \n\n[[A very generic T-shirt]] You literally don't know what it says because the font is so absurdly ornate.\n
It's a really good outfit. Hides your flaws about as well as one could hope to. Of course, you know what everyone will be wondering. Your gender. You like to pretend you could answer honestly to someone who would understand. You would love to respond with\n\n [[Girl]]\n [[Boy]]\n [[It's none of anyone's business.]]\n [[I'd rather not choose.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $store = "far">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<display "Enter store">>
As you're driving back, you realize your gas tank is almost empty. Had you gone to the closer store this probably would have been all right, but you're not going to make it as you are. [[Pull over]] into the nearest gas station.
Maybe it's the [[permanent baby fat]]. Maybe it's the [[stubble]].
<<if $desiredgender eq "girl" or $chromosones eq "XY">>\nIt's a little nervewracking isn't it? Your first time. Your heart is beating fast, your hands are slippery on your keys as you hold them. You readjust your pants, because it feels like the tape is slipping, tugging the sensitive skin of your genitalia and you're afraid everyone can see. \n\nAre you walking right? \n\nIs your adam's apple showing? \n\nIs everyone around you silently evaluating you, marking you?\n\nFuck, you shouldn't have done this. Everyone can tell.\n\n[[Walk faster.]]\n\n<<else if $desiredgender eq "boy" or $chromosones eq "XX">>\nHm, are you backing out?\nBecause it's not too late to [[turn left]].\nOf course, you can just [[back out]].\n\n<<endif>>
You're suprised. That's.. not what you were expecting, to be honest. You quickly compose yourself and smile. But as you go to answer, your voice [[cracks]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $store = "near">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<display "Enter store">>
With your newly aquired underwear, you finally are ready to [[head back to your house.]]
You're not brave, are you? You're petrified of your appearance. You're trapped in both worlds. You look too masculine, you act too feminine. Girls will never envy your looks, men will never call you anything but a faggot. \n\nYou're disgusting to yourself. \n\nNo point in staying any longer. [[Just drive back home.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $desiredgender = "genderanarchist" >>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nThe world kinda sucks sometimes doesn't it?\n<<display "Ambiguous">>
Brett looks at you with amusement. His expression is of a cat playing with a doomed bird.\n\n"Arrogant cocksucker huh?" \n\nYou take a deep breath. [[Ignore him.]] Maybe he'll go away.
<<silently>>\n<<if $gender lt -2>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 5 >>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 2 >>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYou readjust your shirt and look away from the mirror. Today is supposed to be a fucking good day. Now [[go shower]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 3>>\n\n<<endsilently>>\n<<display "lingering">>
<<silently>>\n<<set $desiredgender = "boy" >>\n<<set $chromosones = "XX">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nMaybe someday. They say in college people are more understanding.\n<<display "bind">>\n
Shit. You're not passing. Why the hell not? You've never tried so hard to present yourself. It's not fucking fair. You wonder if you'll ever hide the [[cracks]] on your surface.
[[end]]
There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a dyke, you're not a lesbian, you're not a girl, fuck, //fuck, FUCK//. You feel sick to your stomach. Why now, why here? Courtney's a gossip, she's going to tell the whole fucking school. \n\n[[Go to cashier]]\n[[Go to self checkout]]\n
You ball your hands into fists and turn around.\n\n<<display "Walk faster.">>
But at least they're gone.\nAnd you're safe. \n\nFor now.\n\nOnce you can breathe again, you get into your car and [[head back to your house.]]
All right. There's only one cashier, a friendly looking old man. You sigh.\n\n<<if $gender lte -7>>\n\n"[[Did you find everything you need, ma'am?]]"\n\n<<else>>\n\n"[[Did you find everything you need, sir?]]"\n\n<<endif>>
Your shoulders are shaped so wrong. You make a mental note to \n\n[[bulk up]]\n\n[[buy a shawl]]\n
<<silently>>\n<<set $chromosones = "XX" >>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<display "bind">>
You're actually pretty aesthetically pleasing. (That's the spirit! Stay positive!) Your best feature is your \n\n[[Strong jawline.]] It's angular and really makes you look kind of badass.\n[[Long lashes.]] They really make you look cute and bring out your eyes.\n[[Nose.]] It may be silly, but your nose isn't too big or too small and it has a good shape. You go, nose.
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = 1 >>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nWhat a great fucking shirt.\n\n[[Good choice.]]
There's no one. It looks like you have to [[go to a cashier]].
RC
<<if $chromosones eq "XX">>\nYOUNG LADY, GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!\n\n<<else>>\nYOUNG MAN, GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!\n<<endif>>\n\nYou cringe. God, she always gets it wrong. You rush to the kitchen to find your mother furious. She starts yelling at you, louder than she needs to. She pauses in her livid fury and you take your car keys and [[get the fuck out of there.]]
Goddammit.\n\n\nYou thank him and [[scoot along to your car]].
Ahh, that steam is so refreshing. It's warm and relaxing and almost makes up for having to strip for it.\n\nAlmost.\n\n[[Get dressed]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nThey're not a perfect solution, but damned if you don't like the flattering, soft fabrics shawls are made of. However, you've got to fantasize about that later. For now, you have to [[go shower]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $chromosones = "XY" >>\n<<endsilently>>\n<<display "Tuck">>
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = 0 >>\n<<set$desiredgender = "unselected">>\n<<set $chromosones = "XZ" >>\n<<set $store = "unselected">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nGood morning. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and your alarm is going off even though it's Saturday. \n\nToday is going to be a fucking good day, goddamn it.\n\n\n[[Damn right it is.]]
Ah, the safety of your car. \nYou turn the keys and warm it up. And drive.\nYou notice your tank is low on gas.\nWhere are you headed?\n\n[[The next town over.]]\n[[The store closest to your house.]]
Um, that's a bit weird. [[Try again.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender= $gender -1 >> \n<<endsilently>>\n\n<<display "Head to bathroom">>\n\n
Courtney chats on and on and on, and your nervousness over being caught fades into boredom, until she finally asks, "So are boxerbriefs a lesbian thing? Because I totally knew you were. Aren't you lucky to have a supporting friend like me?"\nYou should have gone to a further store. You mumble something about having to go and you [[run towards checkout]].
That's the spirit. Now get up. Today's the big day. Today you will go to the store and buy yourself some actually fucking useful underwear.\n\n[[Get up.]]\n\n
[[Go to cashier]]\n[[Go to self checkout]]
Well, you made it. It's time to go to get underwear. Take a deep breath and go\n\n[[left]] to the menswear.\n[[right]] to the women's department.
\n<<display "stand limply.">>\n
"It's not scanning properly," you mutter. He nods, presses some buttons, types in a number, and bags it for you.\n<<if $gender lte -10>>\n"Here you go, sir."\nSuccess.\n<<else if $gender gte -6 & $gender lt -3>>\n"Here you go, sir."\nThere we go.\n\n<<else>>\n\n"Here you go, ma'am."\n\nFuck.\n<<endif>>\n\nYou thank him and [[scoot along to your car]].
Here you are. Awkwardly standing in the women's department, your heart threatening to choke you. But you play it cool. You have to. This is what you came for.\n[[Casually browse the selection.]]
All right. Now grab your [[skinny]] or [[baggy]] jeans and head to the bathroom.
Not today? You feel like shit don't you? You're not brave enough. Not masculine enough. Have fun in your panties, cuntboy. Your thoughts are negative and awful, but so is your shame.\n\nGo to your car now. What's the point of sticking around if you're such a coward?\n[[Just drive back home.]]
But of course, you've lingered too long by your mirror. What bothers you the most?\n\n[[Your chest]]. \n[[Your shoulders]].\n[[Your cheeks]].
Courtney looks shocked. Her eyes widen. But you don't care, you're angry and scared and you want to get the fuck out of the store. But still, you fucked up. And you were going to pay dearly for that.\n\n"The fuck did you say to my girl, dyke?"\n\nHer boyfriend, six foot five and at least fourty pounds heavier takes the first swing. \n\nBam, right in the jaw.\n\nYou fall immediately and he pummels you. You're done for. He has no mercy on you; bones crack, blood spurts, pain shoots all over you. Your conciousness is slipping. The last thing you see is the underwear fall next to you, wet with your blood.\n\nWhy the fuck did you think that was a good idea?
Well, here you are. Last step. It's been a rough day, it's time to pay and leave. You [[scan your underwear.]]\n\n
"Hey, cocksucker, I'm fucking talking to you."\n\nBrett shoves you. Caught off balance, you fall to the floor. He laughs and walks away. You breathe a sigh of relief, knowing you got off lucky. This time.\n\nYou pick up your panties and [[head to self-checkout]] or [[go to a cashier]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $desiredgender = "genderqueer" >>\n<<endsilently>>\n\n\nMaybe someday. They say in college people are more understanding.\n<<display "Ambiguous">>
You run your fingers through your hair and walk faster.\n\n<<display "Walk faster. ">>
<<silently>>\n<<if $gender lt -2>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 2 >>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 1 >>\n<<endif>>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nYou're pretty sure there's a dumbbell in your house somewhere. if not, there's always pushups. For now you've gotta [[go shower]].
<<display "lingering">>
Ugh, your chest. The problem is that\n\n[[your chest is showing]] through your pajamas. You can see the shadow that the lumps on it cast and you hate it. \n\n[[it's so flat]]. You're a teenager, you're supposed to have at least a goddamn A-cup.
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = $gender - 2 >>\n\n<<endsilently>>\n<<display "lingering">>
Sir? That's a welcome surprise.\n\n\nYou thank him and [[scoot along to your car]].
version.extensions.ifMacros={major:2,minor:0,revision:0};macros["if"]={handler:function(place,macroName,params,parser){\nvar conditions=[],clauses=[],srcOffset=parser.source.indexOf(">>",parser.matchStart)+2,src=parser.source.slice(srcOffset),endPos=-1,currentCond=parser.fullArgs(),currentClause="",t=0,nesting=0;\nfor(var i=0;i<src.length;i++){if(src.substr(i,9)=="<<endif>>"){nesting--;if(nesting<0){endPos=srcOffset+i+9;\nconditions.push(currentCond);clauses.push(currentClause);break;}}if((src.substr(i,6)=="<<else")&&nesting==0){conditions.push(currentCond);\nclauses.push(currentClause);currentClause="";t=src.indexOf(">>",i+6);if(src.substr(i+6,4)==" if "){currentCond=Wikifier.parse(src.slice(i+10,t));\n}else{currentCond="true";}i=t+2;}if(src.substr(i,5)=="<<if "){nesting++;}currentClause+=src.charAt(i);\n}try{if(endPos!=-1){parser.nextMatch=endPos;for(i=0;i<clauses.length;i++){if(eval(conditions.shift())){new Wikifier(place,clauses[i ].trim());\nbreak;}}}else{throwError(place,"can't find matching endif");}}catch(e){throwError(place,"bad condition: "+e.message);\n}}};
You feel sick.\nThere are people whispering behind you, and although you don't turn to look, you know you are the subject of conversation.\nYou try to turn your attention to the lingerie in front of you and notice a [[really cute pair of panties]].\n
<<if $chromosones eq "XX">>\nYou did it.\n\nCongratulations.\n\nYou hold your boxers to your chest. Finally, finally, you have them and it feels great. You run to your room, tear them open, inhale the new cotton smell, and put them on.\n\nIt's a little step, but you've learned something by now.\n\nYou're going to have to celebrate the little things if you're ever going to be happy again.\n<<else>>\nYou did it.\n\nCongratulations.\n\nYou hold your panties to your chest. Finally, finally, you have them and it feels great. You run to your room, tear them open, inhale their scent, and put them on. They're tight and uncomfortable but with a little tape at least they really make you look smooth down there.\n\nIt's a little step, but you've learned something by now.\n\nYou're going to have to celebrate the little things if you're ever going to be happy again.\n<<endif>>\n\n[[end]]
They're all watching you, or so it seems, but they don't do anything.\n\nIt looks like you can get into your car and [[head back to your house.]]
Not only are they incredibly fashionable, they're made of the material that you had read is best for tucking. It's slightly stretchy but mostly tight and you can tell it's going to be painful. Well, at least they're panties. Lovely ones.\nIt's almost worth this feeling of being marked as a pervert.\nYour throat feels dry and your knees are shaking, [[but at least no one approaches you]].
No matter how you perceive yourself, your mother will always perceive you as her [[son]]/[[daughter]], won't she?
<<if $desiredgender eq "genderanarchist">>\nHell yeah. That's right motherfucker, stutter like the cisnormative guy you are. \n<<else if $desiredgender eq "genderqueer">>\nHe can't place you. You struck the right balance of the genders. \n\n<<else>>\nWell, you weren't expecting perfection. It's okay though.\n<<endif>>\n\n<<display "cracks">>
You wonder if your mother has noticed that you cover it on purpose but decide not to dwell on it. You start on the right corner but before you can cover it you see your face and can't help but [[take a closer look.]]
You realize they've formed a semicircle around your car. You freeze up.\n\n<<if $gender gte 7>>\n"What's wrong, faggot? Or are you a tranny? Filthy little punk."\n\n<<else>>\n"What's wrong, faggot? Filthy little punk."\n\n<<endif>>\nOne of them knocks the gas pump out of your hand. Gasoline spills everywhere, its sharp smell cutting into your nostrils. Another one shoves you. You hit the gas pump, slicing your cheek on a protrusion of metal. They all move in closer, but suddenly a voice calls out. They move back and you [[see a cop.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 1 >>\n\n<<endsilently>>\n<<display "Head to bathroom">>
<<if $gender lte 5>>\nWell, it's not that far off. You have to get dressed now. But first, your ace bandage. They say that's really bad for you, but rib pain seems worth it. Your skin is chafed from doing this everyday, isn't it? It's terribly constricting, but in a way it's liberating too.\n<<else>>\nAnyway, you've got to get dressed. Binding with ace hurts like a bitch, but fuck if you're going to let your chest get away with progress.\n<<endif>>\nUnfortunately, you're well aware it's going to be at least another year before you can find a way to get a real binder.\n\nNow [[finish dressing]], because it's time to leave.
<<silently>>\n<<if $gender gt 0>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 5 >>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gender = $gender + 3 >>\n<<endsilently>>\nFuck, you lingered too long. You need to [[go shower]].
A perfect outfit. You hastily grab your underwear and head to your bathroom. But you catch your reflection and get confused for a second. Then you realize the towel you use to hide your mirror is neatly folded off to the side. Your mother must have done that. You've gone nine days without mirrors so you're a little curious. \n\nMight as well [[take a closer look.]]\nOr maybe just [[ put the towel back up.]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $desiredgender = "girl" >>\n<<set $chromosones = "XY">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nMaybe someday. They say in college people are more understanding.\n<<display "Tuck">>
<<if $desiredgender eq "boy" or $chromosones eq "XX">>\nIt's a little nervewracking isn't it? Your first time. Your heart is beating fast, your hands are slippery on your keys as you hold them. You readjust your shirt, because your makeshift binder is cutting into you and you're afraid everyone can see. \nAre you walking right? \n\nIs your expression stern? \n\nIs everyone around you silently evaluating you, marking you?\n\nFuck, you should have packed. Everyone can tell.\n\n [[Walk faster. ]]\n\n\n<<else if $desiredgender eq "girl" or $chromosones eq "XY">>\nYou're going to the men's section? But today is the day. Are you sure you don't want to go right? Because [[there's still time.]] Or is it [[too much]]?\n\n\n<<endif>>